What do the stars hold for you, and will they require a signature to get it? Find out now with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries:   That hard head is hatching some big dreams. Go ahead, keep practicing that yodeling opera ventriloquism act; a new season of ‘America’s Got Talent’ is just around the corner.

Taurus: An opportunity is coming your way, but it’s like a deep-fried Snickers bar: so good, yet so wrong. Skip the temptation, and you won’t be paying the consequences, and alimony, later.

Gemini: That entrepreneurial streak shines through when you realize that if it’s darkest just before the dawn, you could make a bundle selling candles. Let your inner light blaze all the way to the bank and keep an eye on the sunrise.

Cancer: No matter how much TVLand you watch, your problems won’t be solved in 30 minutes, although your family could benefit from a laugh track. Take it slow, keep it clean, and plan a few commercial breaks.

Leo: You’ve been meowing at the door for far too long; rip open the screen and roar like the king of the jungle you are. Maybe then you’ll get some fresh kitty litter and a scratch where you want it most.

Virgo: Think you’re all that and a bag of chips? Diva, please! Someone would have to throw in a Cosmopolitan and some cheesecake to even come close. Bask in your deliciousness for a while, because you won’t be flavor of the moment forever.

Libra: Your freak flag has been flying for so long, your flagpole is chapped. Tuck in those flappy bits and keep them hidden; it will add to your mystery.

Scorpio: Riding piggyback on someone else’s karma may make your fantasy come true, but if you don’t lay off the games soon, you’ll be playing leap frog with a unicorn; one way or another, the universe finds a way to make its point.

Sagittarius: You’re grabbing the future by the Magic 8-Ball this week, and you’re not taking any ‘Answer Cloudy, Try Again’ crap, either. Shake it but don’t break it, and your best days will rise to the top.

Capricorn: Life hasn’t been a bowl of cherries lately, but it could turn into a bag of un-ripened kumquats, which is far more interesting. Just whip those globes out in the sunshine and bring some color to your cheeks.

Aquarius: You may have the mileage of a Ford Pinto, but you have the moves of a fire-engine red Ferrari. Keep the rubber to the road, and you could get your chassis waxed by an adoring fan.

Pisces: You haven’t been asking for the moon, just your own little chunk of green cheese. Those celestial pleas have been heard, and the universe is sending a few well-deserved blobs of Brie into your orbit. Watch the skies with your eyes—and your wallet—wide open.

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