Why get your fortune from tiny cookies and large carnies? Do it the right, weird way with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your chums may bail on you, but sometimes getting left holding the bag isn’t a bad thing, especially if you’re in a fast food joint or a bank; it just means you’re the one playing trick-or-treat with the universe.

Taurus: Why worry about the sun melting your wings when you’re still in the closet, chewing your wax mustache? Jump out there and stretch those flappers, and you might get off the ground.

Gemini: Unlike beef stew and cottage cheese, your dreams don’t have an expiration date, so why are you tossing them into the recycle bin? Dust them off and see if they still shine first; you may have been storing your greatest achievements next to the brown lettuce all this time.

Cancer: Ideas are like children, bring them up right and you’ll have something to be proud of; let them go wild, and they’ll ruin your carpet. Your imagination is currently swinging from the streetlight, so a time out is probably in order.

Leo: Not every mountain needs to be climbed; some are just meant to look good on postcards. Give your Sherpa a break and admire the scenery instead of trampling it.

Virgo: The mysteries of life are heartfelt and complex, and it takes more than a Google search to solve them. Turn off the computer, because the answers are hiding out there in that pesky reality.

Libra: Your week is like a badly translated Chinese algebra problem; something’s not adding up. You can go to the board and show your work to the whole class, or just claim to invent a totally new brand of math.

Scorpio: Your lures are in fine fettle, but your catch is a whole other kettle of fish. Quit trouting yourself out and keep your rod at home; otherwise, your tackle could rot.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be the fastest turtle and win the race; just be quick enough to avoid getting caught and having a commemorative portrait of Michael Jackson painted on your shell. Winning isn’t everything; avoiding humiliation is worth something, too.

Capricorn: Feeling sleek, stylish and fast? Check again, because your honey may be trading you in with Cash for Clunkers. Get yourself a tune-up and detail job, then rev your engine and roar back into your sweetie’s garage.

Aquarius: Home may be where the heart is, but your heart could use a jog around the block. Lock the door and play in the sunshine; you’ll find the right beat soon enough.

Pisces: Summer’s almost over, and you haven’t found the great escape yet. Hang in there, Houdini, because you’re going to drop those chains, disappear into fun and wow your audience at the same time. Ta-freaking-da.