New notebook, new shoes, new attitude! Go back to school with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Lately you’ve had more pucker than a sugar-free lemonade stand. Sweeten your life with some de-stressing downtime, or your face could freeze that way.

Taurus: When shopping, remember to regale the rugrats with tales of walking to school barefoot both ways in hip-deep snow, and praise for original Trapper Keepers. It’s not necessary but it’s fun, and they have to pay for all this back-to-school bling somehow.

Gemini: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably needs $20 for lunch and a new pair of shoes. After all, freedom’s just another word for ‘where’s your wallet?’

Cancer: You can find your groove, but staying in it is the problem. Keep your needle from dangling, before you drag it and scratch the record. Those vinyl virtues will keep you old-school cool all week.

Leo:  This week, you pull off a magic trick so bold it makes everyone around you gasp. Your hands look empty, but only you know that you’ve got a deep pocket packed with balls.

Virgo: Feeling lost? Don’t worry; if life came with a manual, it would be in a language you wouldn’t understand, and you would have parts missing. As it is, you’re only out a few nuts and the occasional screw. Pull yourself together and adjust your torque by hand.

Libra: When your problems get you down this week, stop, name them off and think what a great band name they would make; it’ll cheer you up until a solution comes along, unless your problem is booty boogers. That wouldn’t sell records, and you’ll likely need a prescription.

Scorpio: If your options this week are lead, follow or get out of the way, remember there’s always a fourth choice go online and complain. Hey, it works for the rest of the world.

Sagittarius: You think you want a life of rainbows and unicorns, but get real; you’d just have a bunch of boozy leprechauns hanging around, and you don’t want to see the presents that unicorn would leave on your tile. Life’s sweet the way it is.

Capricorn: A friend thinks they have trouble, and you find it hilarious. Be tactful, patient and helpful, then do what civilized people do: wait until they’re out of the room to laugh your buttons off.

Aquarius: Charm is more than a tiny horseshoe on a bracelet; you may be hot to trot, but you need to pony up some smooth moves this week if you want to mosey into that winner’s circle.

Pisces: A hamster in a wheel does less running than you; take a day to hide under your cedar chips and nibble a carrot. You’ll be back in fine, furry racing form soon.

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