Shed those summertime blues and get the cosmic scoop with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Patience is a virtue, and you’ve never been accused of wrapping up an evening with your virtue intact. Next time, just shake hands at the door, or the universe could nudge you in the morning with a big cup of instant karma.

Taurus: If something seems too good to be true this week, check for strings; miracles rarely come with enough rope attached to sail a pirate ship. The parrot with an eyepatch might also be a hint, too.

Gemini: Karma won’t gift-wrap your reward in glittery paper and a big bow; usually it just hands something good to you in a plastic Wal-Mart bag, along with an empty gum wrapper and a broken radio. It’s up to you to find the treasure in the trash.

Cancer: Rough day? Remember, having a family is like a wallet made of duct tape: you’re frayed at the ends and always sticky, but you keep the good stuff safe.  Watch out for pickpockets, and you’ll be fine.

Leo: The problem with finding a diamond in the rough? You have to cut away a lot of crap to get something that shines. Leave the fixer-uppers to someone else, and just enjoy the gleaming beauty of your own stones.

Virgo: Not everyone shares your love of the camera; if you don’t put it down, it will be your family that snaps instead of the shutter. There’s a YouTube intervention with your digital name on it.

Libra: You’re trying to get something accomplished, but someone’s in the way. Remember, you can lead a redneck to water, but he’ll only drink if there’s a beer cooler floating in the stream.

Scorpio: After comparing apples to oranges, you’re ready for something a little more exotic in the fruit basket. This week, the universe complies with a couple of hairy kiwis, and maybe even a starfruit, so polish up your spoon, it’s about to see some action.

Sagittarius: Sure, fortune favors the prepared, but it’s also been known to strike down a lucky chump occasionally. If something hits you in the head this week, look for the blessing instead of the bruise.

Capricorn: Rushing to the rescue again? Think twice, because baiting dragons isn’t your style. You’re no knight in shining armor, just a tasty bystander drenched in teriyaki sauce.

Aquarius: Good fortune doesn’t always just show up on your doorstep via UPS. Sometimes you have to assemble the kit; good thing you’re handy with tools—now if you can just decipher the instructions.

Pisces: Finding the path? That’s easy. The trick is staying on track despite every tempting off-road trail. Keep moving one foot in front of the other, stay out of the poison ivy, and you’ll end up on Easy Street soon.

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