Not all the fireworks are gone…get some snap, pop and zoom in your week with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: For every two steps forward, you’ve slid three steps back. Those crappy dance moves won’t even get you on a Fox reality show, let alone move you forward in life. Next time, let trouble just Electric Slide on by.

Taurus: You can’t always drink the sweet, clear waters of victory; sometimes you get the curdling cough syrup of defeat. Whatever your potion this week, sip it with style; you’ll receive the good stuff soon enough.

Gemini: You’ve discovered the key to success; too bad prosperity is protected by a heavy duty combination lock. You could keep spinning the wheel until your numbers come up, or you could employ the tire iron of determination—just depends on how much noise you’re willing to make.

Cancer: Forget the weather; you’re hotter than any temperatures on the map this week. Find your own cute little storm chaser, and show off your extended forecast.

Leo: Not every play wins the big prize, but some of the parting gifts can be pretty cool. Let’s face it: come February, that year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni will look mighty good.

Virgo: Need a boost? Remember, you can’t always tell angels by their wings. But if you’re still unsure after a few miracles, ask to see their I.D. It’s usually tattooed on their left rump cheek, Cabbage Patch Kids-style.

Libra: On Thursday, a life-changing event will spin your way. Happy with life the way it is? Then stay inside, you cranky fussbudget. But if you do, you may miss something completely awesome, like free money or a better outlook.

Scorpio: If the left hand doesn’t know what the right one is doing, chances are it’s sneaking off for late-night internet sessions. Shave those palms, keep your hands together and leave the wi-fi alone for a while.

Sagittarius: The curtain has come down on your drama; are you receiving roses and applause, or rotten fruit upside your head? If your plan failed, don’t worry; there’s plenty of elbow room at Square One.

Capricorn: Some days you’re flying a jet, other days it’s just a horse on the carousel. Either way, this week is a free ride, so save your quarters for a video game or a cheap date.

Aquarius: You think you’ve pulled Excalibur out of the stone; everyone else just thinks you’ve yanked the stick from your butt. Either way, it will be a better week for all concerned.

Pisces: The cue is lined up at the Magic 8-Ball, but you’re nowhere near a corner pocket. You’re an old hand at trick shots, though, so take those balls and rack ’em up, because you’re a shark now, baby.
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