Don’t look, Ethel, it’s Wisecrack Zodiac! Okay, go ahead, look. Please.
Aries: You don’t have to be Diogenes with a dim glowstick to find someone worthy in your life. Just look to your left. C’mon now, your other left. There you go. Don’t bogart that light, let them check you out as well. You both could be ready for prime time.
Taurus: Being stubborn is one thing, after all, a bull doesn’t grow its horns overnight. But you’re getting all horned up over someone who won’t back down, and your best pointy parts might end up as a trophy on a wall.
Gemini: The fortune cookie was right: someone tailor-made for you is right there at your side, and you don’t even have to add the words ‘in bed’ for it to make sense. Quit doubting the power of the flat pastry, and flip your fortune to play those lucky numbers.
Cancer: Forget about the light at the end of the tunnel; why is everyone so obsessed with trains? Drop your tunnel vision and seek out the light wherever it is, especially if it’s reflected in the spinning dance ball at a really great party.
Leo: You can’t always get what you want, true, and sometimes you can’t even find what you need, but at least you can scope out something on sale. Occasionally, a great bargain beats out those granted wishes.
Virgo: A good laugh beats a big scowl any day, but it’s not as satisfying as a wicked comeback. Try to roll all three into one this week, and you’ll be the talk of the breakroom until the vending machine gets re-filled with Strawberry Crush.
Libra: Try to look on the bright side of life; if you get your tighty whiteys in a twist, you could end up with a cosmic wedgie large enough to warp your mind and squeeze your fruit.
Scorpio: A new project sounds like a tiptoe through the tulips, but walk softly and carry a big ukulele, because it could be a field full of venus flytraps. Remember to re-visit the person who sent you down this garden path in the first place.
Sagittarius: You’ve sent all the signals, painted all the signs; now just wait until someone catches your oh-so-obvious drift. It’s coming, so cue the swelling music and dramatic camerawork for your big moment.
Capricorn: Some people are born to ride the roller coaster of life, and others are ready-made carnies. If you love to throw a wrench into the gears, you may be selling corn dogs for a long time to come. Maybe it’s time to grab your tool and step on the ride yourself.
Aquarius: You’re cooler than Kung Fu on late night TV, but someone isn’t getting your channel. Show them why re-runs of Roseanne pale next to your awesomeness, and maybe they’ll tune in.
Pisces: Summertime makes your soul glow, so put on those floaties, hop out of the small pond and take a swim in the deep waters. You’ll be a big fish this year no matter where you swish your tail.