Slap on that karmic bikini and get ready for the kiddie pool of the Universe…it’s Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You’re like a 1970s cop show: fast and loud, but you get the job done. Work hard this week, and everyone will laugh with you before the ending theme music starts up. Goof off, and you could end up with a bird or monkey sidekick by the next commercial break.

Taurus: Need some quiet time? Kick everyone off the island, order some sharks online and let ‘em loose before you stretch out on the beach. Don’t go cheap; the frickin’ laser beam option is always worth the extra cash.

Gemini: There are so many doors of possibility in front of you; remember, opportunity may knock but it won’t kick it in like a crazed SWAT team. Pick your path before someone else grabs your knob and takes up residence in your good fortune.

Cancer: You can kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince, but all you’re doing is gaining a loose reputation in the amphibian community. Rest those lips, and let your royal dreamboat find his own way back, before your number is written on a lilypad wall.

Leo: If time travels in herds, you’ve got too many irons in the fire, and not enough hours to brand. Set aside some of those big plans for a while; just enjoy life on the range, before you scorch the butt of every minute you own.

Virgo: Someone’s blocking your way this week, and you’re tired of it. If you can’t get what you want, find what they want, then parade it back and forth until they take the bait. Sometimes you have to distract the cosmic guard dog in order to sneak in the back door of your dreams.

Libra: If you’re looking for a marching band with a banner to give you a sign, well, sorry. The universe doesn’t have the budget for that in this economy. Seek out your answers under the rock of common sense in the backyard; no one ever looks there.

Scorpio: You’re contemplating a change in scenery, but what you have planned might bring down the wrong backdrop. Flip through your options first, before you pull down something onstage that turns your life into a comedy of errors.

Sagittarius: This week, you’re like a belly dancer with a bad ankle; you’re swinging way out of orbit, and jangling everyone’s nerves. Take a load off and heal up; your place on the dance floor will still be there.

Capricorn: A little bird told you a secret, and you can’t keep your beak shut. Sing it out in Pig Latin if you must, just don’t Tweet it on Twitter, or your goose could get cooked.

Aquarius: Every second Aquarius receives a pony, and every fifth Aquarius gets a pony keg; adjust yourself in the cosmic line accordingly.

Pisces: Usually you worry about life being hairy and snarling with fangs. This week, though, it’s warm, fuzzy and just wants belly woogies. Tickle the cosmic tummy and say ‘Awwww.’