Want to know what the cards hold? Stack the deck with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your favorite chair’s broken, and you only have yourself to blame; a 600-lb. gorilla is hard on the furniture. Address what you’ve been avoiding, and teach him some home repair. Who knows? He could end up a DeVry graduate.

Taurus: You’re tough, stubborn and immobile; a rock of stability. So what if people take you to the stream and beat clothes against you? Your only problem: someone’s chipping away at your pebbles, eroding your resolve. Just like Viagra, being stone-hard might be good for your obelisk, but not your heart.

Gemini: Visualize whirled peas, because you’re the dirty lettuce and the universe is the salad spinner this week, tossing you until you’re fit for social interaction again, you naughty greens.

Cancer: Letting your heart light shine is one thing, but yours has been flashing like a 1970s disco ball lately. Turn off the Bee Gees, close up the club, and spend some time reflecting on yourself for a while.

Leo: Safari observers will be amazed this week as the king of the beasts transforms into a cute kitten, high on the sweet catnip of life. Let ‘em watch, because you don’t get the chance to let your mane down like this very often.

Virgo: All you need is love, but a good therapist and tax attorney are handy, too. Keep them both on speed dial, because anything could happen this week.

Libra: Life is a complex, dizzying mystery wrapped in a chocolate chaos coating and too rich for even the magical divining powers of a fortune cookie. Go outside, play in the sunshine and rejoice in just being you for a while, before things get all melty and sticky.

Scorpio: Straying off the straight and narrow again? You’ve been in the rough so much, you need four-wheel drive just to get up in the morning. Try once again, and remember: the road less traveled usually has ticks and chiggers waiting on it.

Sagittarius: Giving someone your best may empty your shelves of the good stuff, but don’t worry; like Doritos, they’ll make more. You’re just holding your personal elves to a higher flavor, like Cool Ranch.

Capricorn: Space can be a lonely place when your satellite of love is knocked out of orbit. Send out a shuttle arm to check your undercarriage for dings, then cozy up with a cosmonaut for a little zero-G zoom.

Aquarius: You always want what you can’t have, whether it’s a cookie or Brad Pitt. Both can be flaky, so just enjoy what’s already on the table; no one will gripe if you have seconds.

Pisces: If your life were any smoother, it would have a hit R&B record. Turn up the volume, because every speaker is playing your personal soundtrack.