Think I was gone forever? Nonsense! Here’s your upcoming Wisecrack Zodiac, straight from the plain brown wrapper!

Aries: Not every question can be answered with a boot to the head; some questions require a wiffle ball to the groin. Step up to the plate for your helping of cosmic knowledge.

Taurus: There’s more to life than weekend marathons of Molly Ringwald movies; brave the pollen this week and get out there; you might even meet your own adorable yet spunky redhead. Or you could just find a good yard sale. Either way, you win.

Gemini: You’ve slipped into your tap shoes and danced all around a big subject, but someone isn’t falling for your big finish. They’ll wash their jazz hands of you unless you come clean and face the music.

Cancer: There’s a tough fix ahead of you, but don’t worry, you have a good wrench in your hand. Tighten your lugs, but don’t try to bolt, because someone else is holding your nuts.

Leo: You’ll find few adventures on the well-worn path; keep forging ahead with that machete, the jungle will clear soon. If you do find treasures in a forgotten city, watch out for giant balls. And snakes.

Virgo: Chill out, baby, because you’re the refrigerator of love; every tacky magnet and crudely drawn character will be stuck to you this week. Try to tone down your natural attraction before the post-it notes show up.

Libra: You’ve finally got a dollar in your pocket, but the ice cream truck just speeds past. Time to think outside the frosty box; a well-placed nail will slow down those treats. While you’re there, do something about that annoying music, too—Led Zeppelin beats ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ anyday.

Scorpio: That toned body may be a weapon of mass seduction, but your mind missile remains stuck in the silo. Upgrade your moves before you get knocked out by a smart bombshell.

Sagittarius: You can’t judge a book by its cover, but some people are pop-up volumes with big, easy lettering. Sort out your library this week, and spend some time with a friend that challenges your thinking.

Capricorn: Feeling toasty? Hang in there! You can stand the heat in any kitchen; you’re a tough cookie, and you won’t crumble because of a few nuts in the recipe.

Aquarius: Trying to get yourself up-to-date with the latest tech? Get some help, because your headphone jack is stuffed into a pea pod, not an iPod. Seek out the geeks that walk among you, and you’ll be tuned in and Tweeting in no time.

Pisces: This week, the universe has a substitute teacher and it’s pop quiz time! Grab that pencil and stay cool, because the teacher’s book with all the answers is under your desk.