Is your sarcasm tank empty? Fill up with snarky goodness with this week’s Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Wheel of fortune, wheel of fish: your attitude will determine whether you’ll be handed some choice prizes by Vanna, or end up the punch line in a Monty Python skit. Just be glad you’re not in the Cheese Shop bit.

Taurus: You’ve pinched so many pennies, Abraham Lincoln is afraid to wear tight jeans when you’re near. Set aside some coin for a good cause on Thursday; pausing the past-president-pestering will certainly earn you some positive karma.

Gemini: Sure, that light at the end of the tunnel could be a train, or it could be someone on a pushcar with a flashlight handing out cash. Be bold and stay on track; the impossible does occasionally steam along in your favor.

Cancer: Forget the white knight on a proud charger; by now you’d take a graying hippie with a high credit card limit. There’s quite a few of those around, so drop the damsel-in-distress act and just stay groovy, baby.

Leo: Your love is rekindled this week, and the flames take you into a new, passionate direction. Plan a picnic surprise for your love, and don’t worry about the crumbs: crackers will be the least freaky thing in your four-poster for a while.

Virgo: Your week is a-buzz with excitement; on Monday, you’ll have a bee in your bonnet, but you’ll find the fly in the ointment by Thursday, so invest in some Raid to keep your troubles from swarming.

Libra: Sometimes kissing the frog doesn’t give you a prince, it just leaves your lips slimy. Licking it, though, could take you into a whole new dimension, if you find the right ribbet.

Scorpio: When a challenge stomps through your camp like Bigfoot, take a second look: it’s more likely to be just a hamster with a headcold. Tame that little dude with some carrot sticks, bow to the crowd, and they’ll believe you’re the monster whisperer.

Sagittarius: You’ve been treading water for so long, you’re getting webbed feet. Don’t worry, in a few days the universe sends a cruise ship by to pick you up. Dry off and enjoy the free buffet.

Capricorn: You’re feeling more out of place than Paris Hilton at a Mensa convention. Just ask yourself, what would Paris do? Then go the other direction and work the crowd. Watch your back, though, because geeks are easily excited.

Aquarius: This week is a circus, and you’re the 14th clown stuffed in the Volkswagen. Put down the seltzer bottle and pick up that whip, because you’re better as the leather-clad ringmaster. Go out there and make ‘em dance!

Pisces: Recent events shredded you like cheap cheese, but you’re on the mend and feeling feisty. Pull out that 80s dance mix cassette and just enjoy being alive with some embarrassing boogie moves.

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