Finish up with those chocolate bunnies, it’s time to suck the goodness out of Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: The journey of a thousand miles may begin with one step, but it’s a doozy. Check your parachute before you jump off that cliff and avoid choosing a path made from yellow bricks; the Oz-Kansas Expressway is backed up with flying monkey traffic this time of year.

Taurus: Beware of men selling produce and patio furniture this week; anything you find in a banana hammock will be too soft to use. Next Thursday, though, keep your eyes peeled for something in hardwood.

Gemini: Time may heal all wounds, but karma wounds all heels. You’ll have a front row seat to someone’s comeuppance, so grab some popcorn and don’t worry about revenge being best served cold—it’s payback, not Lean Cuisine.

Cancer: Your sparkling eyes mean only one thing: you’ve mixed up the Visine with the Alka-Seltzer again. Enjoy the compliments, and start wearing your glasses in the bathroom, before you have an unfortunate encounter with some Preparation H.

Leo: Those multitasking talents make you seem like a magician on Wednesday, and you soak up the astonished applause. Try not to fidget too much, though, or your audience will figure out where you’ve hidden the doves.

Virgo: Remember the ‘I Love Lucy’ episode with the chocolates and the assembly line? Yeah, your life won’t be nearly that organized this week. When trouble starts speeding past, just keep stuffing it where you can; the sugar rush will see you through.

Libra: Your magnetic pull attracts good luck, come-hither looks, and a few forks this week; enjoy, but stay away from people with lots of piercings or plates in their heads, unless you’re prepared with a really creative explanation for your partner.

Scorpio: Lord Byron was mad, bad and dangerous to know; you’re slightly miffed, mild and good to have in the Rolodex. Don’t worry, being a scoundrel is so 2007, and your newfound trustworthiness is definitely in style.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling like a rawhide chew toy in the dog park; chewed up, tugged in every direction, and rather damp. By Friday, though, all the pups are distracted by an over-caffeinated squirrel, so you’re home free for the weekend.

Capricorn: Knowing what you want is one thing, but your current attitude would make the Dalai Lama want to give you a swirlie. Dial it down and lighten up, before the cosmic toilet water hits your hair.

Aquarius: They laughed at you at the academy, but your inner mad scientist is about to prove them all wrong, bwahaha! Watch out for runaway monsters and mobs with torches, though, because one loose pitchfork could ruin your plans.

Pisces: A genie in a lamp couldn’t give you a better week: make all the wishes you want, because you’re about to have legendary good luck right out of the fairytales. Just don’t go rubbing strangers while you’re wishing, because even a genie can’t get you out of a harassment charge.

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