Should you keep all those Easter eggs in one basket this week? Let’s find out, bunnytoes, with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Ram tough? Not so much. This week, consider yourself a teenage girl at a deserted summer camp by the lake; oh yeah, there’s going to be screaming and running. Extra points if you make it to Friday clothed, because the bogeyman apparently can’t see fully-dressed people.

Taurus: You’re frugal and efficient, but sticking a charcoal briquette between your butt cheeks and squeezing will only firm your glutes, not create diamonds, so forget the informercial idea and empty your undies before people start asking some really awkward questions.

Gemini: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are all spiffy, but you’re still holding out for a personal jet pack. No luck there, although you do get closer when a 18-wheeler’s air horn surprises you, lifting you high enough in the air to see your own house.

Cancer: Forget the needle in a haystack; you’re just looking for someone to wash the dishes, rub your feet, and change the litter box. Keep dreaming, Sport, because the perfect mate is out there somewhere, and they charge only $15 an hour for that nasty stuff.

Leo: Your mighty roar has been reduced to an asthmatic meow this week; take a few days off your paws and rest, or you won’t be able to pounce on someone pussyfooting around your jungle later on.

Virgo: On Tuesday, you’re the Highlighter of Hope, making other people’s work brighter, but by Friday, you’re the Sharpie of Confusion, marking through their mistakes and getting everyone high off your smell.

Libra: This week, you go from souped-up pogo stick, bouncing off the walls, to pet rock, too lazy to even turn off C-SPAN.Could be the moon’s magnetic pull, or it could be that box of Benedryl you downed for your spring allergies. Either way, you’ll be about as productive as a damp piñata.

Scorpio: Normally you’re all bow-chicka-wow-wow, but you’re missing a chicka, your bow was carried off by the cat and all the wow-wow fell behind the fridge. Don’t worry, you’ll get your act back together by next week, although you might want to wipe the cat spit off that bow.

Sagittarius: Take a laser pointer to work with you this week, and be prepared to whip it out at boring meetings. After the first few times your boss chases a red dot across the wall, you will achieve instant legend status with your co-workers, and become the most popular person at the office picnic this year.

Capricorn: Think you’re the center of the universe? It is all up to you, actually, so whatever you do, don’t pack away that last sweater or we’ll be buried in snow. Remember, a community is counting on you.

Aquarius: You can visualize whirled peas if you want, but it looks a lot like baby poo. Try visualizing something a bit closer to home, like a Wal-Mart gift card, because peace can be found in aisle two.

Pisces: The world is a treasure chest, and you hold the hairpin. Remember your action-movie lockpick training, and you’ll score a bounty of fine goodies; forget the finesse, and you’ll just have popped open Pandora’s pillbox.

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