Hi-ho, Astro! It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your circle of life will mutate into a warped trapezoid when extended family blows in for a spring visit. Hang in there, Simba; they’ll be gone soon and you’ll be lyin’ around the house once again.

Taurus: Your income stream jumps from a sad little trickle to a spewing geyser this week. Store some liquid assets in your hump for the dry times, otherwise everyone will be sponging off you for weeks to come.

Gemini: Don’t look now, but as you’re reading this, you’re being watched. It’s not some creepy stack of cash from an insurance commercial, just a nearsighted roll of pennies checking out your butt.

Cancer: Your week will be like ‘Deadliest Catch’ meets ‘American Idol:’ a lot of cursing and crabs, but eventually, a starfish is born and you’ll be trouted out to the spotlight.

Leo: Everyone else may be running and screaming, but you’re the one who notices the monster is just a guy in a rubber suit. Yell ‘Jinkies!’ so everyone will know you’ve solved the mystery and saved the day.

Virgo: A bubble-making machine without suds is just a silent fart blower; soap up so you’ll shoot out lovely pearls of wisdom, and not a lot of hot air.

Libra: You’ve tried changing who you are, but it’s like booty shorts on Larry the Cable Guy; it doesn’t fit, and it’s wrong on so many levels. Put your pants back on and be yourself.

Scorpio: You’re feeling like the biggest strawberry at the farmer’s market: juicy, ripe and in demand. Enjoy being the flavor of the week on everyone’s lips, because you’ll spoil in the sun soon enough.

Sagittarius: Not every day can be all beer and Skittles; some days, it’s peach schnapps and Oreo Pop-Tarts. Hey, whatever gets you through to your next 12-step program. This time, don’t choose a sponsor that just failed on a celebrity rehab reality show.

Capricorn: Finding someone to love is like sticking your hand in a hornet’s nest; you’ll brag to everyone about doing it, but rarely will you come out unscathed. Cupid’s buzzing around you on Friday; don’t worry, it’ll only hurt when you laugh or watch Animal Planet.

Aquarius: Your nest needs a good spring cleaning, but first you have to get the flock out of there. Pull a Wile E. Coyote and stick a sign in the yard that says ‘Free Pizza.’ That should do the trick, but you could have more peckerwoods on your hands than you can handle.

Pisces: The stars have aligned over you this week, and they’ve formed a winking emoticon. Get in on the cosmic joke and ROFL with the universe, or twist yourself into so many serious knots, the Boy Scouts name a badge after you; it’s your choice.

Advertisements