Hey Magellan! Map out your days with Wisecrack Zodiac; it’s much more entertaining.
Aries: There’s an inkling of an idea sprouting in the back forty of your brain; let it grow, and this time you could harvest some quick cash instead of another corny scheme worthy of a ‘Hee Haw’ skit.
Taurus: Want a lasting investment? Forget the goose that laid the golden egg and go after the honker popping out those Cadbury treats, because gold will burn a hole through your pocket, but chocolate stays on your hips forever.
Gemini: The Wheel of Fortune has spun, and Vanna has flipped your letters. Guess the answer to the universal question this week, and you’ll win the big prize. Lose, and you’ll only take home the San Francisco treat.
Cancer: Unlucky? The only way your cloud has a silver lining is if you’re a werewolf. If you can’t find a four-leaf clover, at least stock up on Lucky Charms cereal for a while.
Leo: The karmic disco ball is sparkling above you; find your inner groove, strike a pose and you’ll be doing the hustle to Funkytown all week long.
Virgo: You are like a beautiful flower; you do your best when there’s a lot of crap thrown on. Be careful, though, because this week you could go from marigold to mushroom faster than you think.
Libra: Life without the internet is like a kung-fu movie without hot, flying Asian chicks. You can get through it, but it won’t keep you up at night. Go ahead and get your Google freak on, because reality is overrated this week.
Scorpio: If you hear opportunity knocking, look out the window first to make sure there’s not a flaming bag of dog do on the step. Remember, good fortune works just as well through a text message, and your shoes stay clean.
Sagittarius: Sure, everyone’s glad that spring is here, but please cancel your plans to run through downtown wearing only a daisy in your hair. The sun reflecting off your pasty white rear will cause a five-car pileup and emotional distress for several dozen innocent bystanders.
Capricorn: You think you know the solution to your problem, but whenever the B-movie hero blows up the giant squid, it rains calamari for days. Hey, get some dipping sauce and it’s a win/win.
Aquarius: You mean well, but your gestures are about as welcome as punk rockers at a polka party. Pull the safety pin from your nose and use it to hold your mouth shut as you slamdance to someone else’s accordion tunes for a while.
Pisces: Throw pearls before swine, and you’ll end up with a well-dressed ham or a really ugly prom date. Remember, those who wallow in self-pity never live high on the hog.