If destiny dressed you this morning, don’t let fear take off your pants. Suit up with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You think you’re lost in a fog, but actually, someone’s just blowing a lot of smoke up your kilt. Tell them to get out of there, because you’re perfectly capable of playing your own bagpipes.

Taurus: All that glitters may not be gold, but you can still make a decent necklace out of it. Use that resourcefulness this week to amaze someone; their gratitude will outshine Fort Knox.

Gemini: This week, your heart is a kite; the March winds can carry it to new heights unless you have too many tangles in your tail. Let out your string and get ready to soar on the breeze—just watch out for power lines and tree branches.

Cancer: Remember that flesh-melting scene from the Indiana Jones movie? Good. Avoid the chili special on Thursday, and there won’t be any running and screaming later.

Leo: What fun is winning without someone to cheer you on? Take your big news home so your loved ones can shower you with adoration, affection, and perhaps some biting sarcasm.

Virgo: You’re always stylish, which makes it a bit embarrassing when a Facebook friend posts snapshots of you in a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” t-shirt and shamrock-spangled tutu. Blame it on the green beer, and get even with last year’s Christmas party pics.

Libra: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil, and you if you spend a few hours at the local watering hole this week. Knowledge is power, but juicy knowledge is blackmail material.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve making less sense than Yosemite Sam after a six-pack of Red Bull. Take some time for yourself and do a little soul-searching; there are some major dust bunnies collecting in the corners of your psyche.

Sagittarius: Sometimes luck mists you like a gentle spring rain; other times, it hammers down in a thunderstorm. This week, you might catch a break if you set out a few pots and pans, because luck could leak through the roof and drench your coveted ‘House’ DVD set.

Capricorn: Dude, your horoscope comes from, like, the cosmos, but it also comes from inside you, because all things are related and your future depends on how you, like, take your strengths and weaknesses and use them. Totally deep. Pass the Cheetos.

Aquarius: Work becomes interesting when someone discovers the ‘fax’ feature on the office copier, and sends copies of your bare butt all across the country, inventing a new, cutting-edge, and frighteningly hairy version of junk mail.

Pisces: All you want is to breathe easier for a while; take heart, because the Croc Hunter’s spirit is going to wrangle that 800-lb. gorilla off your chest, and give you a really nice vacation away from giant monkey-sized stress.