Forget the Ides of March–let Wisecrack Zodiac blow some universal karma up your skirt!

Aries: Sure, the cold weather sucks, but you need to do more this winter than just argue online about who would win in a fight: Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Bundle up and get some fresh air; Buffy would totally beat down Sabrina, anyway.

Taurus: Lately, you’ve been feeling like a gerbil in a paper airplane: going places fast, but not feeling too stable. Plan your landing now, in case that Kleenex parachute doesn’t do the trick.

Gemini: Finding middle ground isn’t hard for you; staying there is the problem. This time, pitch a tent and avoid the emotional skirmishes around the edges. Sometimes straddling the fence is worth the chafing.

Cancer: Often, life isn’t as impressive as the advertisements, much like mail-order sea monkeys. But this week, all the promises come true, giving you the best deal you can even imagine, better than working X-Ray specs.

Leo: Anyone can yell, “Ta-da,” but you actually have the skills to make the tiger under the sheet disappear. Use that sleigh-of-hand to solve a troubling issue at work, and you’ll revel in the applause.

Virgo: Following the straight and narrow path usually means riding more twists and turns than Kool-Aid through a crazy straw, but now the choices are simple; that doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t screw up, so watch your footwork.

Libra: A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, but it would probably be trademarked, copyrighted, and marketed with its own 800 number and website. Dump the high-maintenance flowers and hang with some dandelions for a while.

Scorpio: Some hot cutie has caught your eye; if they give it back, you’ll be able to see things clearly before you make your big move. If not, hey, blame your short-sightedness on Barry White and a dimly-lit room.

Sagittarius: Your bluebird of happiness ran off with a fast-talking parakeet to Las Vegas, so you’ll have to make your own sunshine for a few days. Charge your chuckles with a few Marx Brothers DVDs until your hungover avian friend shows back up.

Capricorn: This week, you’re the Zorro of the workplace, leaving your mark on everyone you meet. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates a giant ‘Z’ on their forehead, so duck out early Friday before the posse forms.

Aquarius: The stars predict travel in your future: will you finally take that dream vacation, or will you simply drive around downtown for three hours on Saturday looking for a parking space? Pack clean undies, just in case.

Pisces: Watch out this week for men with mustaches and women wearing chain mail thongs, or is it the other way around? Nonetheless, you could find yourself in a pinch with a ticklish situation on your hands.