Missed your heart’s desire on Valentine’s Day? Get a club and try again with Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: Sometimes the only way all the pieces will fit is with a good pair of scissors and some Super Glue. Sure, the picture may not be pretty when you’re finished, but you’ve solved the puzzle.
Taurus: All the small stuff, like the bills, will work themselves out this week, leaving you to ponder the big questions, like why anyone would hook up with the sea when Brandy is such a fine girl, or how do you call a horse with no name?
Gemini: When life gives you lemons, you could make lemonade, or you could just get a fine bottle of cognac and enjoy it while tossing your sour fruit at passersby. Really, who needs that much lemonade?
Cancer: This week, you’re feeling like a Pop Tart caught in an old toaster: you can’t spring into action until you’re burned around the edges. You’re still sweet on the inside, even though your frosting is flame-broiled.
Leo: The law of gravity is only a suggestion right now, because you take your world by the tail and swing it until it spins around you. Be careful; once you let go, you could get whacked by your own south pole.
Virgo: If wishes were horses, you could stage your own cowboy movie; rein in a few of those desires, and pick just one or two to groom into reality. Otherwise, you might get caught in a fantasy stampede.
Libra: Not everyone understands you, but that’s okay; no one understands the ongoing plotline of “Lost,” either, but they love it just the same. So feel free to continue the mystery and enjoy your adoring fans.
Scorpio: A plan you’ve worked on for many weeks is finally coming together. Stop for a minute and watch as the last bits speedily fall into place, like a Rubik’s Cube in the hands of a seven-year-old.
Sagittarius: Having second thoughts? Good. Have some third or fourth thoughts as well, because your first thoughts were full of ‘American Idol’ stats. Your brain needs a workout, something more strenuous than the daily paper’s Word Jumble.
Capricorn: Your self-discipline is so well-exercised, you could bounce a quarter off it. Good thing no one knows about that case of Twinkies, cheap beer and stash of Molly Ringwald movies hidden in the basement.
Aquarius: Everyone has a special moment in their lives, like when the dog eats the wax fruit and some string, then starts producing rude candles all over the yard. Your moment is here, get ready to light it up!
Pisces: Your negativity needs a restraining order; not every bright spot you see means a stroke is coming on. Try to look on the positive side, even if you have to flip the situation over a few times to see it.