Why pay attention to a groundhog’s prediction when you have Wisecrack Zodiac! On with the show!

Aries: True, when the universe closes a window, it opens a door, but you’re feeling locked out of the entire house in your Underoos in a thunderstorm. That door can be unlocked with a soft touch or a crowbar; use what you need to keep your tushie dry.

Taurus: You’ve always thought of yourself as the bee’s knees, but this week, you’re more like the ant’s elbows: useful, but hardly seen. Don’t worry; if you go out in the yard at 2 p.m. Tuesday, you’ll have your moment in the sun.

Gemini: If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and a stitch in time saves nine, what time will the northbound train pull in to a south-facing station? Hmmm, maybe you should stick to the TV Guide crossword puzzle this week.

Cancer: This will be a week of startling discoveries; you could find a new world-saving solution, or you could just learn what the cat has been doing on your pillow while you’re at work. Either way, post it on Facebook.

Leo: Ever the stealthy love ninja, you’ve nailed your sweetie’s heart to the wall with the throwing stars of romance, and clobbered them with the nunchucks of desire. Saturday, show up with some flowers—and some Band-Aids—to make their day complete.

Virgo: Tense? If you were a camel, you would be doing airport-level security searches for contraband straws. Find a relaxing hobby, before you snap and do something you’ll regret with that metal-detecting wand.

Libra: Your charm is so plentiful this week, you need more than just a bracelet to hold it. Throw in some earrings, an anklet, and maybe one of those UFO-size tribal lip plates, too, because you are working it, baby!

Scorpio: Definition of a redneck bikini wax: a roll of duct tape and a six-pack of beer. Definition of your week ahead: Leave out the beer. By Wednesday, you’ll be splotchy, cranky, and walking funny.

Sagittarius:  Think of the universe as a herd of muddy third-graders, and your weekend as pristine, white shag carpeting. Oh, the horror!

Capricorn: Be prepared: your creative side will show itself for approximately 90 minutes on Thursday, before it is driven back into the shadows by the rest of your personality. Leaving the TV on C-SPAN throughout the day should counteract any long-term effects.

Aquarius: Listening to your friend’s advice this week will be like a facelift with clothespins: things may feel a little smoother, but you’ll get pinched in all the wrong places.

Pisces: Ka-ching! The cosmic payout is yours this week, all cherries after a long run of lemons. Keep a cup handy to catch all the luck, and you’ll taste some sweet success.