Hey, hey, future-watchers! It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your hard-headedness has smashed down many doors, and you have the splinters stuck in your scalp to prove it. But a new opportunity won’t respond to brute force; you’ll have to use your crash-rattled brain this time to figure it out.

Taurus: Winter has you craving some quality hibernation time, but hang in there, Yogi: you can’t spend days napping, eating and letting your back hair grow when there’s stuff to get done. Finish your chores and shave some vital areas before someone calls a Park Ranger.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down but a fifth of vodka makes you forget you ever took the medicine in the first place. Choose wisely, or you’ll end up on the roof trying to fly with an umbrella.

Cancer: Even when the skies are overcast, you’re the one who will spot a sunny patch of blue. Keep focused on that bright spot this week; optimism could cash out like a loose slot machine.

Leo: Everyone else thinks it’s raining, but you’re convinced it’s just another giant pigeon dropping its load on you. Cheer up, because Luck is what you make, not what you receive, and you have the DIY plans for success.

Virgo: Not even a crateful of trained ninja monkeys could keep you down this week; your vertical hold is stuck on happy, and that smile is broadcasting across town, bringing you some great ratings.

Libra: Bored? You gave the kids scissors and told them to go play “Project Runway” in your closet. Shake off those winter blues, get outside for a brisk walk and save your wardrobe before they turn everything into skorts.

Scorpio: You may have a punk rock soul and a Lite FM job, but take heart; at least you’re not trapped in the endless, yammering fields of AM talk radio. Swallow your pride, dance to Manilow, and be glad you’re employed.

Sagittarius: Watch out for sure bets and can’t-miss deals; the universe is playing Three-Card Monte with you, so don’t even lay your money on the table. If you want a risk, buy a Nigerian lottery ticket from someone in a trenchcoat.

Capricorn: You’ve been working so much, the dog gave up on his bowl and has been ordering pizza all week. Take a break, go home and relax, before Rover discovers online shopping.

Aquarius: This week is like a game of Hopscotch; you’ll land on something great Tuesday, but you may be scraping your shoe by Thursday. Jump high, and you’ll win by Friday.

Pisces: You’ve had a few days lately when you’d rather just stay in bed and live off old Dorito crumbs. Cheer up, because the universe is balancing that out this week with some sweet CrackerJack prizes to make your life better.