Need help with those pesky resolutions? Wisecrack Zodiac to the rescue!

Aries: All looks right within your world, but something feels out of place; have you lost the remote or a kid again? Either way, clap your hands and look under the couch. There’s a good chance both will be there with a year’s supply of stale Cheetos.

Taurus: Still recovering from staying up until 10:30 on New Year’s Eve? Don’t worry, things settle down this week, allowing your life a brief respite from excitement. Hey, sometimes no news is good news.

Gemini: You’ve already twisted your resolutions into pretzels and dunked them into a vat of chocolate for a midnight snack. Hey, self-discipline has never been your strong suit; good thing, because you can’t fit into it. Try a couple of Groundhog Day resolutions to get back on track.

Cancer: Is your life filled with chaos, swirling debris, and angst? Oh good, then things are back to normal for you. Try not to smile too much while you’re washing marshmallow cream out of the dog’s fur.

Leo: You’ve enjoyed a good run in the spotlight, old dog. But there’s a pup coming up, and he’s got all the new tricks. If you want your audience back, you may have to hit the net and learn some fresh magic.

Virgo: Pleasant surprises are rare for you; usually, you see the unexpected coming from a mile away. But the universe will spring something wonderful on you this week, so feel free to scream, jump, and clap your hands like a crazed game show contestant.

Libra: Putting off those big decisions is like cooking eggs in the microwave; if you don’t watch it, you’ll have a gooey explosion and second-degree burns on your hands and face. Just deal with it, and you won’t be covered in burn cream later.

Scorpio: Feeling romantic? All your seductive moves won’t distract your honey from a new season of Battlestar Galactica. Learn from your defeat, and come to bed dressed as a hot cylon.

Sagittarius: Worried about that major mistake you pulled last week? Fortune favors the bold, and sometimes it also pities the stupid. You’ll get away fresh as a daisy from your “D’oh!” moment.

Capricorn: New opportunities are being thrown at you like Mardi Gras beads, all because you flashed your intellect, not your ta-tas. Scoop up as many as you can, and cash them in for a sweet life upgrade.

Aquarius: Don’t worry about your ruling planet; this week, your chart looks more like the B-movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: full of unintended laughs and gaffes.

Pisces: You’ve had plenty of time to dream, plot and plan during the holidays; now let those killer-robot-world-domination schemes loose! Bwahahaha! Or you could start a new knitting project. Your choice.