It’s a fresh new year for Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: A fresh new year, and you’re doing great on your resolution to lose weight, stop smoking, and be less angry, until you get the Visa bill on Wednesday. Hey, you almost lasted a week; must be a new world’s record for you.

Taurus: Your family loves you, but if you serve them that turkey-and-fruitcake casserole one more time to use up all the leftovers, there will be a revolt. Get thee to a pizza parlor, quick.

Gemini: A New Year’s dilemma: should you make resolutions for both sides of your personality? Don’t choose right now; let the voices in your head argue about it for a while. That’s more entertaining than anything on TV right now.

Cancer: The real reason that Jan. 1 is a national holiday? So no one has to see you walk home with a hangover, a padded bra on your head and a ferret glued to your rear end. Either you ended up at a bad party, or a really, really good one.

Leo: Hey, it’s a new year, why not be nicer to people? Smile, listen to their concerns, be patient with their mistakes. No, we couldn’t keep a straight face while saying that, either.

Virgo: Got the post-holiday blues? Sure, you can keep the tree up for a few more days, but if you start adding Cupid ornaments to it come February, ex-con Martha Stewart will come in and slap you down.

Libra: Step up your fitness program this year; try eating fat-free Twinkies while you watch that aerobics DVD. Once in a while, get up and change the channel the old-fashioned way. Oooh, feel the burn!

Scorpio: It’s not about whom you kissed last night at the party; it’s about whom—if anyone—you didn’t. You may need to add a few chapters onto that little black book, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Don’t want to change this year? Follow the government’s resolution plan: go ahead and be bad until you mess things up enough to need a massive bailout, using someone else’s time and money.

Capricorn: Laughter may be the best medicine, but it makes a poor flu shot. Wear a mask and use hand sanitizer while you giggle at the morons around you.

Aquarius: Listen carefully: that holiday thong was a gag gift; please, for everyone’s sake, quit answering the door wearing only a red nylon triangle and a smile. You’ve traumatized 12 carolers, one salesman, three Jehovah’s Witnesses and your grandmother.

Pisces: You’re invigorated by 2009’s clean slate: go out and give it your all! Achieve things! Be happy! Disappointment will come around soon enough on Valentine’s Day.

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