Hear those jingle bells of destiny? It’s your holiday Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: The house is packed with relatives you can’t stand, and you’re wearing a sweater that was picked out by a toddler with a grudge. You can hide behind this paper for only so long; get back out there, and be grateful the holidays only come ‘round once a year!

Taurus: Your eyes are sparkling, and you’re having trouble sleeping; only a few hours until the post-holiday sales! Practice your football tackle so you can score those 25-cent bags of bows and cards that you’ll forget in the closet until 2012.

Gemini: Winter Solstice night marked a change for you; there’s a fresh start coming among the frosty air. Know that in the long, dark, teatime of the soul, you are never alone, so put some underwear on, okay?

Cancer: Homemade gifts from the heart are wonderful, but don’t try to plug in that iPod Grandma knitted you, unless a house fire would only make your holiday better.

Leo: With all the lights and jolly warm fuzzies, Christmas may not be your cup of tea; can I interest you in Festivus? Slap up an aluminum pole and let the thwacking commence!

Virgo: Silent nights aren’t always the most holy nights; it just means that someone has the mute on late-night Cinemax. By the way, where are the kids? Best to find out now, before “Cindy Meets Santa’s Pole” comes on at 11 p.m.

Libra: Relax, the National Organization of Women won’t tear up your membership card if you sing about ‘goodwill toward men,’ as long as you balance it out with the feminist ditty, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town Using a Underpaid, Sexist Workforce.”

Scorpio: Watch out Saturday for a disgruntled elf packing a loaded candy cane; you could lose your kneecaps and your dignity in one fell swoop.

Sagittarius: After the visit from the jolly old elf comes another holiday tradition: the fat wedgie fairy, who magically shrunk all your jeans over the last two weeks. Put down the fruitcake and embrace your resolution.

Capricorn: Forget those sappy holiday movies; hardly anyone gets the Hallmark ending. But if you’re with friends and family with a roof over your head, hey, it’s a good day.

Aquarius: In the spirit of acknowledging all traditions, you end up on CNN when you place the Hanukkah candles on the Christmas tree, top it with a recycled Styrofoam Goddess statue, wrap the whole thing in a colorful Kwanzaa outfit, then deep-fry a frozen turkey in the living room for dinner. The explosion will be seen for miles.

Pisces: ‘Peace on Earth’ is like a size 2 Chanel dress; it never goes out of style, but it doesn’t cover everything, either. Your hope that peace, family, and happy homecomings are large enough to fit everyone is a good wish, little fish.