Hey, it’s holiday time~wanna feel my stocking for some Wisecrack Zodiac?
Aries: Job getting harder than Chinese algebra? Find a loose thread in your boss’ plans, then tug. Knowing you, you’ll pull too far, but at least you’ll have a different set of problems to worry about, like unemployment.
Taurus: All’s fair in love and war, but no one expects Cupid to use Stinger missiles. Check your signals: are you saying ‘Come hither,’ or ‘Bomb here?’ Grab a flak jacket until you figure it out.
Gemini: Usually, you’re more carefree than Britney Spears in a fast-food drive-thru, but the Twins are about to dig in their heels and throw up a massive wall of stubbornness this week. Nothing can change your mind, not even pesky facts, so just ride it out.
Cancer: Your holiday nesting mode is in full swing; before you start copying pages from Better Homes and Gardens, think about a simpler celebration that doesn’t involve a nervous breakdown by New Year’s Day.
Leo: Something hasn’t gone your way, and you’re on the prowl. Carry a whistle, so everyone gets one warning before they cross your path; otherwise, you’ll be gnawing on a lot of idiots and ruining your diet.
Virgo: That special someone is dropping some heavy hints this Christmas, but you have your own ideas. Stop and listen; if you follow their lead, you could actually enjoy a Hallmark holiday moment without buying any diamonds.
Libra: You strive to have an Andy Griffith kind of day, but instead all you get are a bunch of Barney Fife moments. Relax, someone has to be cosmic comic relief, and this week it’s you. Good news, though, a nice bonus is heading to the funniest.
Scorpio: Growling over a bad day? The space station staff just spent a week piddling in a coffeemaker and calling it cappuccino. Your life isn’t nearly as bad as you think.
Sagittarius: Congratulations! You win this week’s Spin of Luck! You can redeem your luck at any outlet, in any situation. Disclaimer: Your Luck may not work on lottery tickets, suspicious spouses, or traffic.
Capricorn: Your business instincts are very strong right now, especially on Tuesday, around 2:30 p.m. Could be a big, company-saving deal, or could just be a great sale on pants. Either way, you’ll come out of it with your rear covered.
Aquarius: You’re feeling about as festive as a frozen water pipe: all backed up, and ready to blow. Go on, stick your head in the Christmas tree and scream until the ornaments shake. Everyone else does it; why do you think the angel at the top is always crooked?
Pisces: You’re craving a quiet corner right now, fully stocked with cozy quilts, hot cocoa, and a good book. Turn off the phone, lace your corner with an electric fence, and pretend the ‘Snap! Crackle! Pop!’ of intruders is a warm fireplace.