Throw away those Thanksgiving leftovers, and get into a real turkey–your latest Wisecrack Zodiac horoscope!
Aries: You’re feeling a little naked this week, and not just because your eyebrows were singed off during that deep-frying turkey accident on Thanksgiving. Scale back on sharing those deep, dark secrets, and buy an eyebrow pencil.
Taurus: That amazing, money-saving plan you’ve concocted for the holidays? Do a little re-think, because not everyone will appreciate getting their gifts on Jan. 3, when the big sales hit. Even Ebeneezer wouldn’t go that far.
Gemini: You’re smart, attractive, and everyone likes you, no matter what they’ve posted on your Facebook page. Hang in there, and things will get better; even Stuart Smalley is re-counting his friends right now.
Cancer: So you’re still cleaning turkey out of the ceiling fan, and Grandma isn’t speaking to you after you ‘re-tooled’ her famous headcheese-barley-cranberry stuffing. Hey, just a few more weeks until Christmas, when you can alienate everyone all over again.
Leo: Everyone else’s chestnuts may be frostbitten, but for you, it’s spring: the birds are blooming, the flowers are singing, and those sinus meds you’re taking make the season seem right. More power to ya, baby.
Virgo: A sudden revelation at work may make your next meeting uncomfortable, but take heart; because of that asthmatic dolphin and your lost cell phone, you are now a legend in your own time. Except for the unfortunate Flipper jokes, of course.
Libra: Sometimes when you call upon the Universe for advice, all you get is static. Expect a bushel of the crinkly stuff this week, but keep trying; Karma does have voicemail.
Scorpio: Sure, wild horses couldn’t drag you away from that wild party, but one bar bet and a misplaced Lego will send you straight to the emergency room. Quit mixing blueberry schnapps with tequila, and you might even remember where that Lego went.
Sagittarius: It’s one thing to retreat to your happy place when you’re stressed, but you shouldn’t have your mail forwarded there permanently. Come out and join the craziness of life with the rest of us; today’s disaster is tomorrow’s awesome story.
Capricorn: If you could walk that way, you wouldn’t need the talcum powder. Deal with your daily mind-wedgies, and have a good laugh with yourself.
Aquarius: This week, you are surrounded by power, love and light. Which means you fell asleep while decorating the Christmas tree, and someone draped all the cords around you. Next time, drink some coffee before you become part of the Nativity scene, too.
Pisces: If you’re knee-deep in snow while everyone else is getting a tan, someone’s shaking your globe. Bust out of your little sphere and go beyond your comfort zone; the rewards will be warm and sweet.