Don’t know which way to turn? Spin ’til you’re dizzy with Wisecrack Zodiac! Now, let’s see what’s in store for you…

Aries: Need some sound financial advice during these troubled times? See a penny, pick it up. Repeat until you can buy a bag of rice and a bag of beans. If you’re very lucky, a $20 bill might fly out of a politician’s pocket across the parking lot, allowing you to buy cornbread fixings.

Taurus: It took you a while to stoke the fire and pick up speed, but now you’re chugging along and ready to run down anyone who crosses your tracks. Stay focused on your destination, and watch out for anyone trying to jump your caboose.

Gemini: Karma—some days you get the short stick, other days you wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole. This week, however, you just might get a grip on it with a few well-placed good deeds, and miss out on having “Louisville Slugger” imprinted backwards on your forehead.

Cancer: Lately, your moods change faster than Cher with a plastic surgery catalog and a new credit card. Take a few deep breaths, relax and avoid cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your family—and your face—will thank you.

Leo: Your ship sails in this week, and it’s loaded with pirate treasure. Hop aboard with a shovel and a deep bag, then cover up your ill-gotten booty, before you get an ‘Arrrrrrr’ rating.

Virgo: Stop trying to plan the ultimate Thanksgiving. The perfect holiday only exists in commercials; here on planet Earth, kids pelt each other with burnt rolls, family members only stop fighting when the turkey is served, and the cat whorfs up a hairball under the dining room table during dinner. Ah, sweet holiday memories!

Libra: Is your head spinning like Linda Blair on Nyquil? You have so many choices right now, but none of them stand out. Forget rational, logical thought; this may require a savage game of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo.

Scorpio: Your current project feels like hunting down a needle in a haystack, but be realistic; it’s actually much harder. Leave the alfalfa to the livestock, and find a new way to solve your pointy problem.

Sagittarius: The charm and sweet talk are dialed up to new heights this week; you could use that gift of gab to transform a dry cow patty into a NASCAR collector plate, so set your goals high for that silver tongue.

Capricorn: Quit trying to find yourself in the latest self-help bestseller; those are only good for fixing a wobbly table leg. Instead, find someone else in need. It’s hard to gaze into your belly button when you’re busy lending a helping hand.

Aquarius: A secret dream has been popping up in the back of your mind lately. Maybe it’s time to grab those leather pants, a coffee filter and $14 in quarters, and make that dream come true.

Pisces: Everyone tells you to hang in there, baby, but you’ve been up and down so much, your biceps look like Sarah Connor’s in the Terminator right before she grabs the shotgun. Channel your inner cyborg-kicking heroine now, and make your own future.