Hike up those big girl pants, it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You’re tired of Luck being a lady; you just want her to be a nasty girl so you can have your way. Be careful if you press her, because she has a lawyer named Murphy who will really mess with your day.

Taurus: Sure, you know what happens to the best laid plans, but what about plots that just get a quick kiss and a promise? Try being spontaneous this week; there’s 90 percent chance you won’t combust.

Gemini: Your dual nature has been handy this election season; you’ve talked out of both sides of your mouth, promising changes not even a super-powered ninja accountant could deliver. Luckily, no one’s depending on you to keep all those pledges, right?

Cancer: Expect sudden outbursts of brainstorms early in the week, followed by a cold front when you forget your sweetie’s big day. Things will warm up by the weekend, and you’ll enjoy partly to mostly happy moods.

Leo: Lately, you’ve been dancing through life with all the subtlety of a clownfight. This week, though, you’ve stuffed Bozo and company back in their Ford Pinto, and regained your usual grace, charm and humility. Okay, two out of three.

Virgo: Trying to find your center? It’s not made of nougat, so step away from the leftover Halloween candy before you have to take your measurements with a GPS. Remember, Christmas cookie season is almost here; pace yourself!

Libra: Even the daytime soaps can’t compete with the secrets you learn this week. Question is, will you spill and thrill, or clam up with your pearls intact? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion after a few messages from the universe.

Scorpio: You’ve been crankier than Bigfoot after a bikini wax; take a day off and forget the whole big, hairy deal that’s stressing you out, before you reveal more than you should.

Capricorn: You’ve made it to the top of the mountain, only to have your guru tell you to get lost. Give him a swami-sized wedgie, take his parking spot, and let your sharp instincts guide you the rest of the way.

Sagittarius: This week, your life is like a bad sci-fi movie; lots of bad acting and latex, but still somehow interesting. Just feel lucky that the hero always wins, even with a terrible script.

Aquarius: Most days, you just throw your Day Planner at the wall and see what sticks, but this Wednesday actually goes just the way you planned it; keep notes of this miracle, so you can relate the story to your children someday.

Pisces: Dreams are wonderful things, but if you share too much, that imagination will get you medicated before the sun goes down. Distribute them like Flintstones vitamins; one a day will be sufficient.