What goes bump in the night? The Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You’ve conquered the bogeyman under the bed, now what about the anxieties in the armoire? Drag them out into the chill of a fall day, because everything shrinks in the cold.

Taurus: Do you really want to spend this weekend cleaning up pranks from the yard again? Ditch the cheap candy and go for the good stuff this Halloween; your neighbors have no desire to see the annual blooming of the TP trees again.

Gemini: Just because you know something, doesn’t mean you should say it. Include some self-applied duct tape in your Halloween costume this year, and you’ll be the silent belle of the Monster Mash.

Cancer: The cool autumn weather has brought out your nesting instincts with a feathered vengeance. Hot chocolate? Check. Snuggling blanket? Check. Someone to snuggle with? Hmmmm. Get a sweetie-sized butterfly net and capture that songbird so you can flock together.

Leo: For you, quiet time is the nanosecond before the curtain goes up, but this week you’ll feel like staying in and being cozy for a while. Enjoy it while it lasts, because you’ll be back in the spotlight demanding applause in no time.

Virgo: While your attention to detail for that Halloween costume is laudable, no self-respecting witch has the handbag and shoes to complement her broom. Relax, and just enjoy the spookiest night of the year with margaritas, not matched luggage.

Libra: Sometimes you think you’ve found that yellow brick road when in reality, you’ve just walked behind someone with a weak bladder. Ditch those shoes, Dorothy, because home is closer than you realize, and it’s drama-free.

Scorpio: You’ve never been afraid of things that go bump in the night; in fact, you’ve made some very good friends that way. Take someone else by the hand and lead them through the mysteries of the dark, then be a sport and treat them to breakfast afterward.

Sagittarius: While everyone else spins the wheel of fortune, you end up with the wheel of fish. Well, thank cod this week, baby, because you’re moving up to the big time; you might even have your own groupers.

Capricorn: On Thursday you find money you didn’t know you had; on Friday, you find a bill you didn’t know you had, either, so it all works out. Hey, some days, it’s just good to break even.

Aquarius: You love Halloween, but any costume that requires two car batteries, three extension cords and a llama may be a bit elaborate. Steal your neighbor’s 800-count luxury sheets, cut out two eyeholes, and go as the Ghost of See-What-Happens-When-You-Don’t-Return-A-Lawn-Mower. Heh heh heh.

Pisces: The universe may give you a to-do list this week, but you know that cosmic chores are just part of life. Help others with a smile, and whenever you see someone named Don, give them a cookie. It’ll earn you some sweet karma later on.