Hey, kids, what time is it? Time for your weekly fix of Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: It’s about time for the Big Bad Wolf to come along and blow away your house of cards again…be ready for him with some duct tape and SuperGlue, and you may just keep your delicate creations intact.

Taurus: When you’re right, you savor the experience like fine chocolate. Get ready to diet on crow and sour grapes this week, because there’s no tasty, creamy treats for you in sight.

Gemini: Oh, please. Not even Dr. Bruce Banner walked down the road with such pathos, and he had a sad little soundtrack. Find the lesson learned and go on, or you make the universe angry. You wouldn’t like the universe when it’s angry.

Cancer: It’s a quiet week, so you can devote time to your favorite philosophical pursuit: arguing with your nerdy friends about who would win in a cage match, Alf or E.T. You’ll win, of course, because E.T. has some serious Blackberry muscles.

Leo: One of your favorite dreams will come true this week: you’ll have an even bigger audience to applaud you, so shoot for larger victories. Remember, no pain, no gain, no laugh track.

Virgo: Your need for everything to fit perfectly together is blasted out of the water right now, because your life will be like Tupperware warped in the dishwasher; nothing’s going to match. Break out the plastic baggies instead until things straighten up.

Libra: Friday will be wonderful for your creative side; you’ll feel like a four-year-old whose prized finger-painting finally made it on to the fridge of a New York art critic. Congrats!

Scorpio: Halloween’s already here for you, because you’re haunted by the spirit of Same Stuff, Different Day. Do some de-ghouling and shake things up; if nothing else, your honey thinks you look really hot in that Ghostbusters costume.

Sagittarius: If you knew then what you know now, you’ll know that you should have known better. Just know yourself, and not in the Biblical way, because sometimes you can know too much.

Capricorn: You are so ready to take on that mountain, but a colleague has been picking at it until it’s a molehill again. Let your Sherpa go, then resist the urge to beat your co-worker with an oxygen tank—a different challenge will rise very soon.

Aquarius: You’ve realized an amazing truth spoken by the great philosopher, Author Unknown: if television is a babysitter, then the internet is a drunk librarian who won’t shut up. Give her some coffee, and venture outside for a reality check.

Pisces: You love surprise gift bags, especially when the goodies are golden. Get ready to pull something really big from that brown wrapper this week; it could change your life, Oprah-style.

Advertisements