Right here, right now: Wisecrack Zodiac for the week of Sept. 16!

Aries: Instead of charging forward, you’ve danced the Charleston, with a little Electric Slide thrown in for good measure. You’re not where you wanted to be, but knowing your planning skills, is that so bad?

Taurus: You’re good in a pinch. Trouble is, no one’s pinched you lately. Try a new outfit, a French accent, anything to get your game on again.

Gemini: If still waters run deep, you think it’s time for a cannonball-sized splash. Before you jump from the cliff, remember; another one’s soul is not your personal swimming hole.

Cancer: You may be out of your element, but you’re not off your rocker. Use that crabby instinct to avoid the potholes of insanity this week, or you’ll learn some colorful new curse words to teach the parrot.

Leo: Diogenes may have been looking for one good man, but you’re just seeking one stress-free afternoon. If someone comes up with a problem, hit them with your lamp.

Virgo: You’ve always had it together, but you’re forgetting where you put it. Break down and get some Post-It notes; they’re like extra brain cells, except they are bright yellow and you can stick them to the fridge.

Libra: Tuesday looks a bit dim—is your electricity still off from the big storm? Call the heroes at the electric company and let them know. Candles are great, but I wouldn’t open that fridge for love or money.

Scorpio: Your smile may launch a thousand ships, but you’re feeling a little dinghy this week. Feel it once more, then set him or her back out to sea.

Sagittarius: You’re always looking so far forward, you don’t see what’s underfoot. Could be a beautiful flower, could be dog doo. Check your shoes and step carefully.

Capricorn: Your Go-Go Gophers have turned into Alvin and the Chipmunks this week. Step back and take a day off, or you may have that voice and wacky sweater permanently.

Aquarius: Feel like someone has replaced your hamster wheel with a Spinning Cage of Death? Well, they have, but you’ve spotted the secret hatch of freedom. Run like the wind!

Pisces: Hurricane Ike was a mild shower compared to the personal storms you’ve weathered lately. Take heart, because your forecast calls for clear weather, good fortune and smooth sailing.