Are you ready to rumble with the stars? Let’s get into this week’s Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You’re so used to butting your head against closed doors, you trip head over heels when an opportunity swings open this week. Don’t worry, it won’t always be this easy. You’ll be back to slamming those horns against a barricade in no time.

Taurus: Sure you love a bargain, but know when to leave some deals alone. Don’t trust those wacky road runners, and don’t fall for the Free Bird Seed sign in front of the train tunnel. Again.

Gemini: No wonder you’ve been feeling unsure lately; your shoulder angel and devil have abandoned you for beer, nachos and the football game on widescreen. Get into some mischief now, and they’ll be up to their pitchforks and halos in paperwork next week.

Cancer: Make sure you have a pair of roller skates, an autographed photo of Liberace, and a Barry White 8-track in your trunk at all times this week. One of these items will save your bacon or win you a new friend.

Leo: The water’s rising, and the alligators area currently thigh-high; put on your steel undies and do some serious kung-fu before the snappers reach your butt, or you’ll be shopping for prosthetic cheeks.

Virgo: On Tuesday, the universe has PMS and you’re one big chocolate bar. Consider hiding under the bed until the dust bunnies crown you as king, which should happen by Wednesday.

Libra: Lately, your bedroom sounds like Chewbacca gargling an armadillo. Until all the pollen clears, do everyone on the block a favor and get some of those springy nose stickers to keep the peace. Hey, even Star Wars fans like a good night’s sleep.

Scorpio: Every sexy thing has to face some unfortunate truths eventually; leather pants and spandex are no longer your friends. Instead, make the acquaintance of a forgiving pair of worn out jeans and an eco-friendly t-shirt made of bamboo. You’ll be hotter than global warming!

Sagittarius: If you can read this sentence without interruption, thank a teacher. She’s the stressed-out one covered in peanut butter minding your rugrats right now. Next time you see her, give her some wet wipes and a hug.

Capricorn: You’re a business whiz, but when it comes to your personal life, you’re more vulnerable and confused than Barney roaming through Jurassic Park. Get on safer ground, before you’re shredded by a T-rex in stilettos,or they make another sequel. Run!

Aquarius: Your job may suck, but really think that decision to quit all the way through before you bail. How much money can you actually make selling corn chips that look like Elvis on eBay?

Pisces: You may be sweet, sticky, and have a little lint stuck to your head, but you’re no sucker. Stand up for yourself before someone shoves a stick into you and pulls the wrapper over your eyes.

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