Welcome to this week’s Wisecrack Zodiac! Do the stars have a hand in your destiny, and did they wash it first?

Aries: You’ve been a good little Ram, keeping your head down and getting the job done. Your patience can only last so long, however. You’re already in position, and have several targets in sight; let loose and make the cackling monkeys fly!

Taurus: If wishes were horses, you’d be stampeding across the mall parking lot, but that frugal inner voice can be one persistent nag. Whisper those material desires to a loving cowpoke, and maybe you’ll get a pimped-out stall.

Gemini: This week, you’re neither Eeyore nor Tigger; you’re more like a cranky genius badger in his underground lab on the edge of the Hundred Acre Wood, waiting to save the story. You may not be recognized, but you’re more interesting; plus, you don’t have your face plastered on t-shirts and underwear.

Cancer: When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade. Or you can hunt down the lemon delivery man and give him a citrus-fresh enema. Your choice.

Leo: When things are looking bright, you usually look for the train. Don’t worry, sometimes life is just, well….good. Save your sarcasm for the next go-round or donate it to a Capricorn, because you won’t need it this week.

Virgo: Even when life is paint-by-the-numbers, we all come out with a different portrait. Throw away the brush this week, wiggle your fingers in some cadmium yellow, and jump into the abstract. Who knows, the universe might just post it on the fridge.

Libra: Approach your week like a game of Twister: left hand on Monday, right foot on Wednesday, and stick your nose right in the middle of Friday. A little temporal yoga is good for the soul, and loosens up your calendar regions.

Scorpio: Lately, you’ve been all blah, and no bow-chicka-wow-wow. Try something outrageous, like cleaning the house; your sweetie will throw you back into that naughty groove.

Sagittarius: Climb every mountain, and you’ll be sweaty with aching feet. Save a few challenges for later, and just ride the bus over a few anthills.

Capricorn: Thursday is going to be one of those days when you could slap a unicorn with a Chicken Soup book; corny sweetness just trips your trigger. Step back, avoid ‘Hang In There, Baby!’ posters, and seek out a Leo with sarcasm to spare.

Aquarius: Teach a man to fish, and he’ll be fed for life. But teach him to use a TiVo, and you can actually go out once in a while. Now, where did you put those dancing shoes?

Pisces: You want to be Michael Phelps on the Wheaties box, but you’re more like Don Knotts in the ‘Incredible Mr. Limpet’. That’s okay, just be the best nearsighted fish you can be.

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