It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac’s weekly horoscopes!

Aries: You’ve always been a ‘big picture’ person, but lately you’re appreciating the fine brushwork in the details of your life. Go ahead, the universe knows you’re itching to grab a pencil and doodle along the side.

Taurus: This week, you feel like you’re surrounded by the cast of a doomed reality show: too much information, too little sense. Don’t worry about your ratings, just kick all the idiots off the island and enjoy some peace and quiet.

Gemini: You’ll take great comfort in the wisdom scribbled on the bathroom wall; Kilroy has a deep grasp on existentialism, and apparently half the people you know are looking for a good time. Give them a call and share your new-found insights, right now, before you leave the stall.

Cancer: Good news comes to you in the mail this week, but be cool. Hiding by the mailbox and waiting for the mail carrier is only a good idea if you know CPR. Plus, your mail could suddenly include embarrassing medical catalogs and a subscription to Half-ton Hottie Lingerie.

Leo: The universe has prescribed a big dose of happiness this week, so take your meds. Warning: side effects may include watery eyes, fuzzy elbows, lightheadedness, sensitivity to Hallmark commercials, lizard breath, metatarsal flexibility and an addiction to bad puns.

Virgo: The world may run smoother if everyone would just do as you say, but being bossy will only get flaming bags of doggie doo thrown at your car. Count to five, and find a different approach, or just move next door to a car wash.

Libra: Winning the lottery is not a sound retirement plan, but selling your organs might be. Research the market, so you’re not trading your kidney for a can of Beanie Weenies and a full tank of gas.

Scorpio: In the immortal words of Jessica Rabbit, you’re not born bad, you’re just drawn that way. Update that stunning profile with some 3-D animation and CGI, and you’ll really knock people’s socks off.

Sagittarius: It’s never good when you end up between a rock and a hard place, and find a placecard with your name on it. Pick up some hiking gear or dynamite and make your escape before you have a permanent reservation.

Capricorn: Forget the wisdom of rock bands: if the answer really was blowing in the wind, people would fly a lot more kites. Pay a fourth-grader to make you a paper fortune teller; that’s where the real answers come from.

Aquarius: Those people who say everything’s going to work out? They’re right. It just may not work out for you personally. Feel free to kick them if you want.

Pisces: Change is more than what you get back at McDonald’s; it keeps life fresh and interesting. Prepare for some sudden freshness this week.

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