Ta-da! The Wisecrack Zodiac weekly horoscopes for August 18:

Aries: You may be feeling finer than spring frog hair today, but there’s somebody close who can use a boost. Don’t break out the hydraulics and tool belt, just tell them that they’re doing a great job.

Taurus: Everyone wonders who picks up all the furniture marked ‘FREE’ by the side of the road. Invite folks over for a party and let them know: it’s you. Heck, you’ve even turned all those signs into a bargain-chic collage.

Gemini: This week will be like a pot of spaghetti thrown at the kitchen wall: some of it will stick, but most of it will flop end over end toward the floor, like a pack of drunken spiders. Use what you can, then laugh at the rest.

Cancer: If big things come in small packages, there’s a good chance some idiot broke it while stuffing it in the box. Keep your receipts this week, just in case.

Leo: Your candles are burning at so many different ends, you need a fire extinguisher just to read your Day Planner. Take some ‘me’ time, relax, and clean up all that wax—it looks like Madame Tussaud’s Museum exploded in your briefcase.

Virgo: For mercy’s sake, leave the spice racks alone; they have suffered enough lately. You need a diversion and it looks like someone’s giving you the eye this week, so drop that label-maker and go have some disorganized fun.

Libra: You think you have a brilliant scheme in mind, but wait: are there any meddling kids nearby, accompanied by a goofy-looking Great Dane? Maybe you should put down the mask, and re-think that plan before acting.

Scorpio: “Don’t” is a magical word to you, and you can’t resist it. So go ahead, tug on Superman’s cape, spit in the wind, but think twice before you push all your sweetie’s buttons. That doghouse gets mighty lonely at night.

Sagittarius: This will be your lucky week! Good fortune smiles upon you. So please take off those four-leaf clovers that are taped all over your body. You look like you’ve been beaten by a mad leprechaun.

Capricorn: What you get when you don’t get what you want is experience. What you get when you always get what you want is to be called a high-falutin’ little snot by everyone around you. Go for the experience a few times, so you can show your face in public.

Aquarius: The universe is like a favorite uncle this week: it has a hard time saying ‘no’ to you. Use this wisely, and don’t be a brat, or you’ll end up in a Wal-Mart dressing room getting the spanking of your life.

Pisces: Good things come to those who wait, and you’ve been waiting so long, you’re stuck in cobwebs. Hear that beeping? Get up and stretch, because that truck of goodies is backing up to your door.