And now, the Wisecrack Zodiac weekly horoscopes for August 11:

Aries: Not everyone wants you to be Superman, so put away those tights before you get a super-wedgie and just be yourself for a change. Being able to see the color of people’s undies does not make up for the fact that it’s freakin’ cold in the Fortress of Solitude. Plus, there’s no cable.

Taurus: All signs point to ‘yes.’ Literally. All the road signs seem to be giving you messages lately, from ‘Yield’ to ‘Road Work Ahead.’ While you may think that’s deep, you should also refill your prescription and get back on the meds.

Gemini: Someone could be possibly upset with you, and it could be related to the flying vase you just dodged. Before they find the firearms, seek out the best chocolates you can afford, and under no circumstances should you quote Dr. Phil. The life you save may be your own.

Cancer: Paranoid? You’d make E.T. show his I.D. at the U.F.O. convention. Put away the tinfoil hat and start trusting your loved ones more, before they call the Men in Black. Take our word: a few trust exercises are waaaay better than alien anal probes.

Leo: Tired of waiting for your ship to come in? Grab a tow rope and drag that bad boy into port. Just make sure it’s your floating opportunity, not some Carnival cruise with Kathie Lee on board.

Virgo: Things are looking up: you’ve lost some weight, some unexpected money will come in, and someone will give you the eye this week. The worst thing to happen will be getting the theme from “Gilligan’s Island” stuck in your head for days and you’ll wander around singing “A three hour tour……”

Libra: Sure, some days you’re the windshield and some days you’re the bug, but this week you’re the fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror: looking good, and just swinging along.

Scorpio: If you think it’s too hot for romance during the dog days of summer, remember that scene from ‘Body Heat.’ Yeah, you know the one. Just don’t actually break a window to get in, or you’ll wind up explaining your love life on ‘Cops.’

Sagittarius: This will be a good week to find your happy place, rent a room, and check out the mini-bar. Even five-dollar, stale Snickers bars will be easier to handle than reality right now.

Capricorn: You know you can win the game, but you just can’t seem to make the winning shot. Forget ‘Jerry Maguire,’ and think more like the Harlem Globetrotters; you’ll get the score, and your competitor will have a faceful of confetti while everyone laughs.

Aquarius: No man is an island, but everyone loves a nice, big peninsula, so stay connected to the mainland this week; you’ll need all the help you can get.

Pisces: Forget the wing: you’ve been living on a prayer for weeks now. Get some solid ground under feet and lose that tension. Maybe Aquarius will let you use that peninsula for some vacay time.

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