Wisecrack Zodiac for week of July 7:

Aries: You know where you are now, and you know where you want to be. Problem is, you can’t get there from here. Instead of playing demolition derby with the terrain, try a little GPS for the soul and find an easier path to what you want.

Taurus: Glaciers and life-changing decisions move at the same speed for you, but an opportunity requiring immediate action may pop up. You don’t have to throw caution to the wind, but you can loosen your death grip on it.

Gemini: Sometimes you wonder if the world is just two gallons of stupid in a pint-size serving. Most of the time, you’re right, but this week, expect to meet a few tasty exceptions.

Cancer: You’re the only one brave enough to tell the 400 lb. gorilla in the room that his feet stink and his mama dresses him funny. Do some stretches before that honesty purge, just in case you need to make a break for it.

Leo: You’re suspecting that you might not actually be at the center of the universe. Relax. What kind of cosmos would it be without you? Everyone will turn back to gaze upon your brilliance soon enough.

Virgo: If everyone’s crying “UFO!” and all you see are some flaming pie pans, try talking some sense into your fellow man. After all, an alien rectal probe can’t be that bad, can it?

Libra: You may be rubber and they may be glue, but what bounces off you sticks to the wall, the door, the cat and a passing tourist. Avoid living your life according to fifth grade trash talk, and just ignore the idiots.

Scorpio: Are you playing in the danger zone just for kicks? Take it down a notch this week. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but everyone knows about the Patriot Act.

Sagittarius: It’s the middle of summer, the kids are acting like feral ferrets, and one question is on your mind. The answer? Of course you can start dreaming of back-to-school sales.

Capricorn: All work and no play makes you a dull goat. But all play and no work makes you a flat-broke goat. This week, just aim to be a marginally interesting, slightly flush goat, and work up from there.

Aquarius: Did you fall asleep and wake up on the Love Boat? There’s a smorgasbord of sweet hotties all around you, and it’s only a matter of time before Charo shows up. Already married? Ah, well, too bad.

Pisces: You want to be a sleek Japanese bullet train, but let’s face facts: you’re really Thomas the Tank Engine. Enjoy your own speed, and be thankful that you won’t derail and crash into a mountain.

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