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Weekly horoscope for July 28 Read the rest of this entry »

You do love the finer things in life, as long as someone else pays for it. Read the rest of this entry »

Weekly horoscope for July 21

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Weekly horoscope for July 14

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People have believed in the power of the stars for millennia, ever since Oog shook his fist at the sky when a giant carnivorous frog ate his foot. Naysayers have also been around just as long, from the moment Ugg watched Oog poke a sleeping frog with his toe, rolling his eyes as Oog blamed the stars for his misfortune. (Little did Ugg know that Mercury was actually in retrograde, making the frog unusually cranky.)

Great minds of science have insisted that the movement of planets light-years away has absolutely no connection to your flat tire and missed meeting this morning, but we know better. One of the greatest minds to come along in two years, Stephen Colbert, summed it up best: “Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything….what is important? What you want to be true or what is true?”

Truthiness, Colbert’s contribution to the modern language, represents going with your gut rather than your head. And why not trust your gut when it comes to astrology? A three-line prediction of your personal future on a website or in a newspaper can be just as sure a bet as working hard your whole life and investing your retirement fund in Enron or Bear Stearns. Sometimes those vague peeks into the yet-to-be are spot on, and just the boost you need to get through your day. Other times, not so much. Luckily, the stars can be fickle, so no humans need be blamed for giving you a bad interpretation. Which is why Oog snorted when Ugg said, “Hey, it’s just a big streak of fire screaming across the sky. It’s not like it’ll kill all the dinosaurs or anything.”

What, you say? Cavemen and dinosaurs didn’t exist together? Maybe not in your truthiness…but if you mention it to Oog, he’ll hit you with his cane.

You’re so hard-headed, angry mobs could grab your feet and use you to batter down the doors of criminal dens and medieval castles. When your goal is in sight, you are focused like a laser, until you change your mind, of course, and find a new goal. Some days you’re like a Pink Floyd laser light show, and others could find you a tad overwhelming. When you see your co-workers start crowding around you and reaching for your feet, invite them all over for dinner and drinks so you can show off your skills in cooking and Guitar Hero.  It wouldn’t hurt to let them see you cry over a Kodak commercial, either, so they can see your softer side.

Good love matches include Taurus the bull, although the two of you will clash horns on occasion; Cancer, as long as you’re both not on the same mood swings; and earthy Aquarius, who grounds you and helps you go with the flow. Try to avoid Leos, though, or you’ll both be continually pulling your pants down and reaching for the ruler–you’re both showy and competitive. But hey, if you fall for a Leo, it’ll be one wild ride.

Wisecrack Zodiac for week of July 7:

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