Forget that fortune cookie and plan your week of chuckles with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Hardheaded? Your brain has more security than Gitmo but this week, a band of crazy ideas may infiltrate and crack it open so the thoughts can run free. Don’t worry, this bout of open-mindedness will only last a few minutes before the trained attack opinions arrive.

Taurus: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you and pounds on the door in the middle of the night, get a restraining order and delete your Facebook page.

Gemini: Asking for the universe’s protection is fine, but if you suddenly find yourself surrounded on all sides by beams of white light, make sure you’re not meditating in the intersection again.

Cancer: Getting back on track doesn’t always mean you’ll end up zooming in NASCAR; sometimes you just end up in a road rally of drunk unicyclists. Relax and roll with the vodka-and-fruit punches; you’ll find the fast lane soon enough.

Leo: You love playing mad scientist, but this experiment may blow up in your face. Quit poking the mutant zombie Jell-O with a sharp stick before you become known as the idiot who started the Flesh-Eating Fruit Salad Revolt. On the other hand, it does sound pretty cool.

Virgo: You may always ride on the straight and narrow, but that will change after an encounter with an egg beater, a vibrating Snuggie and a fermented carton of orange juice. Keep track of the camera because memories may fade but photos can last a lifetime.

Libra: When you enter a room, every head turns. It could be your hotness, or it could be that tornado warning siren you’re using as a ringtone. Drop the twisters and let your natural assets blow everyone over.

Scorpio: You’re enjoying a ship passing in the night, but keep that lifeboat handy. Someone’s singing that Titanic love song and a big iceberg called commitment is drifting into your shipping lane.

Sagittarius: If you really wanted to hear all the answers, you’d get married or ask a kid. Sometimes ignorance is more than bliss, it’s a good survival technique.

Capricorn: Leading a logical life is a worthy goal, but even Spock let his hair down occasionally. Get your pointy ears off the practical path with some fun this weekend, before you snap and start singing Klingon folk songs.

Aquarius: A homemade holiday season is wonderful, but you’re one step away from Bedazzlers Anon. Step back from the glitter and enjoy some time with the family. You made them, too, and they shine just as bright.

Pisces: Don’t worry if you’re a one-track train in a multi-tasking world. Doing one thing at a time is so quaint, it’s practically trendy. At last, you’re with the ‘in’ crowd!

Yee-hah! Hey y’all, watch this, because it’s time Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You don’t have to bite the hand that feeds you, but after Monday, you’re tempted to nibble on a knuckle or two. Find out the facts before you snap, or you’ll discover that no matter how much you chew, there’s always room for your own foot in your mouth.

Taurus: Perspective is more than just a lesson in Art 101; instead of painting yourself into a corner, step out of the canvas and look around. You’re just a part of the bigger picture, so quit trying to sign a masterpiece.

Gemini: You think you know how things will turn out, but just remember; hope springs eternal, but Eureka Springs in constant corkscrews, so Thursday’s outcome is anyone’s guess.

Cancer: If you always keep your head down and hustle for success, you’ll end up with a bad back and sore feet. Shuffle out of your routine and get in the sun before someone mistakes you for a zombie or Lindsay Lohan.

Leo: There’s nothing wrong with shooting for the moon, as long as you have a really long fuse so sparking won’t cause your powder to explode too quickly. Boasting a long fuse will help you in any endeavor, actually, so wave it proudly.

Virgo: You’ve been steamed so much lately, people keep coming up to you and asking for espresso. Relax and let go of the small stuff, or start charging $7.50 for a double mocha latte with sprinkles. Your choice.

Libra: You may feel like a pair of Care Bear undies in a leather thong world, but don’t worry. Your easygoing, upbeat style will be hot again after everyone tires of having their rump roasts strung up for a while.

Scorpio: There could be a promotion if you play your cards right but know your fellow players well; having a straight during five-card stud could take on a whole new meaning if you can’t keep their clubs out of your hand.

Sagittarius: You’ll have so much good luck this week, people will suspect you’re shacking up with a bunch of leprechauns. Let them talk; what happens at the end of the rainbow, stays at the end of rainbow.

Capricorn: You’ve made some bad decisions before, but this one trumps eating three bowls of chili before playing Twister with the Brazilian bikini team; there will be explosive, image-scarring side effects.

Aquarius: Feeling too old for hot monkey love? Nonsense. Schedule some quiet time to share a banana with your sweetie, and you’ll be back to your tail-swinging ways in no time.

Pisces: Your patience would make Mother Teresa look like Mel Gibson; hang in there, because that payoff has arrived and it’s definitely better than Lethal Weapon 3.

Is the moon rising in your house, or are you just happy to see me? It’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: You may think a new challenge is easier than shooting fish in a barrel, but no one has told you that several guppies are packing Glocks. Think things through before you go all ‘Die Hard’ on Nemo’s scaly little butt.

Taurus: If you knew then what you know now, you would have played Powerball a lot more. Quit pining for a pimped-out DeLorean and make the best of today with a sweet drive in your Daewoo, because the journey makes the trip worth it.

Gemini: There’s a twinkle in your eye, and it’s not just because you forgot your sunglasses again. An unexpected joy has you lit up like a candelabra, but there’s no rush to spill your secret; enjoy that glow for a few minutes before you’re front page news.

Cancer: You’re feeling hotter than a homemade tamale, and looking for someone to peel back your corn husk and take a bite. Before you head out for a good shucking, pack a few antacids for protection; you may be spicier than anyone can handle.

Leo: Time doesn’t always flow like a stream; sometimes it drips down like Chinese water torture. Before you try to fix the tap, take a moment to relax, so you’ll be ready when the pipe bursts.

Virgo: If you received everything you wanted, life would be boring and you would be insufferable. Relish those humbling challenges; that’s the universe’s way of ensuring you have friends, family and no vandalized property.

Libra: Is the recession getting you down? Remember, it’s the little things that matter, like your paycheck, benefits and employer’s gratitude. Hmm, maybe you should brush up your resume.

Scorpio: Ready to take a little vacation? You may think you’re off like a prom dress, but your troubles will still stick to you like a duct tape chastity belt. Solve some of those problems before you disappear in the limo and you’ll be fine.

Sagittarius: You’re even-tempered, but oddly shaped, which means it’s hard to find pants that fit, but you don’t get mad about it. Hey, you could have worse problems; cherish those knock knees.

Capricorn: Something is hard to swallow, but once you do, listen to your gut. After a few days, this too shall pass.

Aquarius: On Thursday, watch for strange men bearing gifts. Go ahead and snatch the presents, just keep an eye on the presenter; no one should trust a man sharing a car with bears.

Pisces: You’ve been the star of the show lately, and now you’re ready for a few quiet months locked in your dressing room. Before you reach for the sweat pants and TV remote, step out and take one more bow. You’ve earned it.

Grab your chains and guard your brains, it’s the Halloween Edition of Wisecrack Zodiac! Come on in, don’t mind the creaking door…

Aries: You’re bewitched, bothered and bewildered, but it’s not some seasonal hocus-pocus, just the fact you can’t figure out how to program the new remote control. Give up and hand it over to a six-year-old so you can watch Law & Order.

Taurus: Normally, you’re not susceptible to Halloween’s chills; for you, the veil between worlds might as well be a burqa. This year, however, holds a spooky surprise that could make things stand on end.  Paranormal Activity? Nah. Blame it on Debbie Does Dallas: The Zombie Edition.

Gemini: After chaperoning a school party of rabid, sugared-up fourth graders, nothing will rattle you this week. Zombie ninja monkeys? Please. The only way that would frighten you is if the zombies needed four dozen homemade cupcakes by tomorrow.

Cancer: A brush with a sexy vampire could leave you more pointy than a dish of candy corn. Dance the night away, but if your cutie still has fangs the next day, it’ll be the second time you’ll need some wood to deal with the situation.

Leo: You’re wrapped tighter than a mummy at a first aid class. Don’t worry if things start to unravel this week; you could use the fresh air. Once you’re at loose ends, however, watch out for Boy Scouts needing knot practice.

Virgo: Your wit is so sharp, you could carve a jack o’ lantern with your tongue. It may not be a marketable skill, but we would still love to see the video, so let everyone know when it’s on YouTube.

Libra: Thinking about Halloween fashion? Forget about those tacky stripper or horny devil ensembles. Neck bolts go with anything, and if you get caught in a thunderstorm, they’ll amp you up more than a case of Red Bull.

Scorpio: You have big plans for the year’s finest witching hour, but take care: not everyone who’s zapped into a newt gets better. Some stay that way, and go into law school.

Sagittarius: Planning a high-tech evening with a K2 meter and a handheld camera? Read the directions, otherwise you’ll end up asking Casper for tech support; his hourly rates for fixing your crap will be the scariest thing you’ll see all night.

Capricorn: Don’t worry, half of the ghouls are in reality shows, and the other 49 percent are seeking free sugar fixes. But that one standing on your porch? It’s either a real zombie, or it’s your ex. Either way, good luck.

Aquarius: If you bump into something chilling, be kind. Not all who wander are lost: some are just following Mapquest, and they need your direction. After all, the signpost up ahead is marked the Twilight Zone.

Pisces: Are you really seeing spirits, or is it just hallucinations thanks to that family bag of mini-Snickers and a vodka pumpkin you polished off? Either way, tell everyone that Michael Jackson said ‘hello,’ and he really digs your friend’s English schoolboy costume.

Hang on to your jack-o-lantern, it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!
Aries: While you’re outside on Friday, check around on the ground, because your bullcrap filter has fallen out again. Once you pop it back into place, your family will let you in the house.

Taurus: Every good gardener knows that even when things are coming up roses, you shouldn’t squat in the bushes. Keep those pants on; you may have a green thumb, but being thorny could result in a pierced tuckus.

Gemini: Think you’ve won the lottery? Check again, official tickets don’t usually smell like strawberries. Next time, buy your liquor after you get tickets, and you won’t end up with a fistful of scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Cancer: Lately, you’ve made as much as sense as an Esperanto opera starring William Shatner. Back off the stage slowly and re-think that big speech, before the fat lady shoves a universal translator up your toupee.

Leo: You’ve been doing a lot of favors this week, and you have everyone’s gratitude but no cash. A heart of gold is hard to pawn, so start demanding some payback before you roll out the next round of good deeds.

Virgo: Just when you think your goose is cooked, it starts shooting out golden eggs like a gatling gun. Take advantage of the avian metallic diarrhea while you can, because that bird will run out of ammunition soon.

Libra: The pen may be mightier than the sword but a good smack with a keyboard will shut someone up fast. Everyone will know when you’ve hit your breaking point by the number of people with ‘qwerty’ imprinted on their face.

Scorpio: You’re ready to lay hands on an impressive pair of pumpkins, but double-check that you’re not plundering someone else’s garden. Otherwise, an angry farmer could carve up your gourd.

Sagittarius: Keep aware on Friday: you’ll find the prized needle in a haystack when you’re out for a roll in the barn. Be careful once you find it, or you could prick someone. Hey, we just thought you were happy to see us.

Capricorn: A penny saved may be a penny earned, but five bucks conned off your best friend is a better deal. You always knew being double-jointed would someday be a meal ticket, you just didn’t know that meal was a Mickey D’s value meal.

Aquarius: You’re turning a blind eye to some bad news, but maybe you should stop and stare into its squinty peepers; that ignorant spring in your step could turn into a fall on your face.

Pisces: You craved a change in scenery, but going from a hamster wheel to a cage with a critter trail wasn’t what you had in mind. Instead, spend some time on the Internet; you’ll feel right at home, since it’s also a series of tubes.

Break out those off-white shoes and do some real dancing with the stars, because it’s time for Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your stories are entertaining, but you should pull back a bit; being the boy who cried wolf is easier than being the weirdo who cried crazed, purple, nearsighted weasel with a taser.

Taurus: True, life isn’t always a bowl of cherries; sometimes it’s just three cherries, all the way across the slot machine. Take your lucky rabbit’s foot; heck, take the whole rabbit with you, he probably needs some vacay time too.

Gemini: Someone is spreading gossip, but wait before you confront them; it could be the kind that legends are made of, paving the way for free drinks and knowing winks.

Cancer: To you, Mercury in retrograde means car styles from the 1980s are making a comeback. Learn more about this mumbo-jumbo, so you can be ticked off when someone predicts a good day, and you only have a string of crappy ones.

Leo: Is Siegfried’s name tattooed on your furry butt? You’ve been jumping through a lot of hoops lately for the amusement of the audience. Reclaim those predator instincts and give the ringmaster a few things to think about. Like Medicare.

Virgo: If you’re waiting for the right person to come along, here’s a tip: they’re not going to jump out of your cable box. Dress up in something scandalous, and go have some fun. Your  TV shows are in reruns right now anyway.

Libra: You think you’re swinging a light saber, but your partner sees it as a weak mini-flashlight. Pump up your wattage, so you can show them how you shine. Hiding your light under a bushel can mean a fun weekend for all.

Scorpio: This week could indicate a career change when you have an incident with three ears of corn, a tub of silicone, and a very angry monkey wearing a tiny leisure suit. Hey, this stuff happens all the time in the Weekly World News.

Sagittarius: On Thursday, you discover a hidden talent that wows the masses. It’s spectacular and impressive, but totally useless and there may be long-term effects from radioactive bananas, but right now you’re a star on the Internet.

Capricorn: Someone new comes into your life, and you send your better judgment out to the movies for a while. Remember, if you’re going to make a big mistake, at least give your common sense some money for popcorn and a drink, too.

Aquarius: You’re sweating the small stuff; not only that, you’re collecting it like a klepto crow with a new nest to furnish. Let go of the tiny shinys, back up and take a gander at the big picture.

Pisces: Okay, it’s official: you’ve used up your bad luck for the year in one stunning, soul-crushing 30-day period. Enjoy some good juju; there may be a fruity drink with an umbrella involved.

What do the stars hold for you, and will they require a signature to get it? Find out now with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries:   That hard head is hatching some big dreams. Go ahead, keep practicing that yodeling opera ventriloquism act; a new season of ‘America’s Got Talent’ is just around the corner.

Taurus: An opportunity is coming your way, but it’s like a deep-fried Snickers bar: so good, yet so wrong. Skip the temptation, and you won’t be paying the consequences, and alimony, later.

Gemini: That entrepreneurial streak shines through when you realize that if it’s darkest just before the dawn, you could make a bundle selling candles. Let your inner light blaze all the way to the bank and keep an eye on the sunrise.

Cancer: No matter how much TVLand you watch, your problems won’t be solved in 30 minutes, although your family could benefit from a laugh track. Take it slow, keep it clean, and plan a few commercial breaks.

Leo: You’ve been meowing at the door for far too long; rip open the screen and roar like the king of the jungle you are. Maybe then you’ll get some fresh kitty litter and a scratch where you want it most.

Virgo: Think you’re all that and a bag of chips? Diva, please! Someone would have to throw in a Cosmopolitan and some cheesecake to even come close. Bask in your deliciousness for a while, because you won’t be flavor of the moment forever.

Libra: Your freak flag has been flying for so long, your flagpole is chapped. Tuck in those flappy bits and keep them hidden; it will add to your mystery.

Scorpio: Riding piggyback on someone else’s karma may make your fantasy come true, but if you don’t lay off the games soon, you’ll be playing leap frog with a unicorn; one way or another, the universe finds a way to make its point.

Sagittarius: You’re grabbing the future by the Magic 8-Ball this week, and you’re not taking any ‘Answer Cloudy, Try Again’ crap, either. Shake it but don’t break it, and your best days will rise to the top.

Capricorn: Life hasn’t been a bowl of cherries lately, but it could turn into a bag of un-ripened kumquats, which is far more interesting. Just whip those globes out in the sunshine and bring some color to your cheeks.

Aquarius: You may have the mileage of a Ford Pinto, but you have the moves of a fire-engine red Ferrari. Keep the rubber to the road, and you could get your chassis waxed by an adoring fan.

Pisces: You haven’t been asking for the moon, just your own little chunk of green cheese. Those celestial pleas have been heard, and the universe is sending a few well-deserved blobs of Brie into your orbit. Watch the skies with your eyes—and your wallet—wide open.

Why get your fortune from tiny cookies and large carnies? Do it the right, weird way with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Your chums may bail on you, but sometimes getting left holding the bag isn’t a bad thing, especially if you’re in a fast food joint or a bank; it just means you’re the one playing trick-or-treat with the universe.

Taurus: Why worry about the sun melting your wings when you’re still in the closet, chewing your wax mustache? Jump out there and stretch those flappers, and you might get off the ground.

Gemini: Unlike beef stew and cottage cheese, your dreams don’t have an expiration date, so why are you tossing them into the recycle bin? Dust them off and see if they still shine first; you may have been storing your greatest achievements next to the brown lettuce all this time.

Cancer: Ideas are like children, bring them up right and you’ll have something to be proud of; let them go wild, and they’ll ruin your carpet. Your imagination is currently swinging from the streetlight, so a time out is probably in order.

Leo: Not every mountain needs to be climbed; some are just meant to look good on postcards. Give your Sherpa a break and admire the scenery instead of trampling it.

Virgo: The mysteries of life are heartfelt and complex, and it takes more than a Google search to solve them. Turn off the computer, because the answers are hiding out there in that pesky reality.

Libra: Your week is like a badly translated Chinese algebra problem; something’s not adding up. You can go to the board and show your work to the whole class, or just claim to invent a totally new brand of math.

Scorpio: Your lures are in fine fettle, but your catch is a whole other kettle of fish. Quit trouting yourself out and keep your rod at home; otherwise, your tackle could rot.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be the fastest turtle and win the race; just be quick enough to avoid getting caught and having a commemorative portrait of Michael Jackson painted on your shell. Winning isn’t everything; avoiding humiliation is worth something, too.

Capricorn: Feeling sleek, stylish and fast? Check again, because your honey may be trading you in with Cash for Clunkers. Get yourself a tune-up and detail job, then rev your engine and roar back into your sweetie’s garage.

Aquarius: Home may be where the heart is, but your heart could use a jog around the block. Lock the door and play in the sunshine; you’ll find the right beat soon enough.

Pisces: Summer’s almost over, and you haven’t found the great escape yet. Hang in there, Houdini, because you’re going to drop those chains, disappear into fun and wow your audience at the same time. Ta-freaking-da.

New notebook, new shoes, new attitude! Go back to school with Wisecrack Zodiac!

Aries: Lately you’ve had more pucker than a sugar-free lemonade stand. Sweeten your life with some de-stressing downtime, or your face could freeze that way.

Taurus: When shopping, remember to regale the rugrats with tales of walking to school barefoot both ways in hip-deep snow, and praise for original Trapper Keepers. It’s not necessary but it’s fun, and they have to pay for all this back-to-school bling somehow.

Gemini: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably needs $20 for lunch and a new pair of shoes. After all, freedom’s just another word for ‘where’s your wallet?’

Cancer: You can find your groove, but staying in it is the problem. Keep your needle from dangling, before you drag it and scratch the record. Those vinyl virtues will keep you old-school cool all week.

Leo:  This week, you pull off a magic trick so bold it makes everyone around you gasp. Your hands look empty, but only you know that you’ve got a deep pocket packed with balls.

Virgo: Feeling lost? Don’t worry; if life came with a manual, it would be in a language you wouldn’t understand, and you would have parts missing. As it is, you’re only out a few nuts and the occasional screw. Pull yourself together and adjust your torque by hand.

Libra: When your problems get you down this week, stop, name them off and think what a great band name they would make; it’ll cheer you up until a solution comes along, unless your problem is booty boogers. That wouldn’t sell records, and you’ll likely need a prescription.

Scorpio: If your options this week are lead, follow or get out of the way, remember there’s always a fourth choice go online and complain. Hey, it works for the rest of the world.

Sagittarius: You think you want a life of rainbows and unicorns, but get real; you’d just have a bunch of boozy leprechauns hanging around, and you don’t want to see the presents that unicorn would leave on your tile. Life’s sweet the way it is.

Capricorn: A friend thinks they have trouble, and you find it hilarious. Be tactful, patient and helpful, then do what civilized people do: wait until they’re out of the room to laugh your buttons off.

Aquarius: Charm is more than a tiny horseshoe on a bracelet; you may be hot to trot, but you need to pony up some smooth moves this week if you want to mosey into that winner’s circle.

Pisces: A hamster in a wheel does less running than you; take a day to hide under your cedar chips and nibble a carrot. You’ll be back in fine, furry racing form soon.

New Wisecrack Zodiac posts are coming tomorrow! Thanks to everyone for being patient, I’m working on fresh posts besides the weekly forecast to say thanks for stopping by.  As long as I don’t zap any ants with my crystal ball, I should have plenty to keep you chuckling (or chucking) all week!