Aries: True, there’s no place like home, especially since the wide side of a frying pan is waiting for your head. Before you cross that threshold, drop by the flower shop to make things right. Or, knowing your mouth, just head straight to the jeweler’s.
Taurus: On Wednesday, you can see things no one else can. Ghosts? No. Unicorns? No. But you swear you can see a long future with your current job. Before you give up another opportunity, clean your glasses.
Gemini: The universe has a special evening planned for you this week. It may not include wine and candles, but there’s a good chance it will involve a camel, some Ben Gay and a flashlight.
Cancer: Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Slap some Band-Aids over those nipples, gulp some water and get back out there before a 90-year-old hairy dude in bike shorts claims your medal. No one wants to see that.
Leo: There are three valued skills in this world: the ability to speak up, the ability to keep your mouth shut and the wisdom to know which one is needed. You have only two of these qualities, so watch your step on Friday.
Virgo: You have a decision to make, but remember not everything is black and white. Some things are in shades of pea green purple and fuschia, with rhinestone accents. The right choice may not be clearly marked, but it is fabulous.
Libra: Spicing things up in the bedroom is fine, but adding habenero to the whipped cream is not. Start with a spatula and some apricot jam, but stay away from the 50 Shades of Gray stuff unless you have a Boy Scout on call to untie the knots.
Scorpio: You’re feeling sassier than Oprah visiting her bank vault. You may not have her millions, but you have attitude. That’s worth at least $1.25 and a whistle from the homeless guy.
Sagittarius: The universe has all the answers, they just aren’t the answers you’re seeking. If you want to know the meaning of life, expect to hear all about the kookaburra. Experts suspect the universe is stoned. Sacrifice a bag of Cheetos if you want real truth.
Capricorn: You’ve come a long way, baby, and you look it. Buy yourself some new shoes and sharpen that wardrobe; something’s headed your way, and you should be dressed to kill. Axe optional.
Aquarius: Nothing says love like diamonds, but a box of donuts says “Hey, at least I remember where you live.” Spark that passion, baby, and see if your honey is up for a game of ring toss.
Pisces: You may be mild, but when backed into a corner, you have the tenacity of a threatened cricket. If you can’t overpower your foes, disarm them with absurdity. No one expects a cricket to steal their switchblade.