Aries: If you weren’t so tired from jumping to conclusions, you could leapfrog over that latest hurdle at work. Rest up, because you’ll have another chance to take the plunge soon, and that water will be colder than your boss’ heart.
Taurus: So you’re not the center of the universe. There’s probably a planet-ripping explosion happening there anyway. Enjoy your quiet corner, just don’t fall asleep and slip into a black hole.
Gemini: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.
Cancer: If you’re very still, you can see the beauty of the universe in a single rose. If you have the money, though, why not take a limo and see all the gardens? That way, you can see who trims their hedges and who doesn’t.
Leo: In each life a little rain must fall, but leave it to you to grab the titanium golf umbrella. Lower the armor for a little while, and some new ideas might sprout at your feet.
Virgo: Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.
Libra: You’re ready to kick butt and take names, but you forgot both your pencil and your boots. You can still laugh at people’s outfits, though. That always cheers you up.
Scorpio: Everything can be unicorns and rainbows, or horses with pointy edges and wet streets. Depends on how you look at it. Sure, you might step in a puddle if you reach for a rainbow, but a wet foot is worth free Skittles.
Capricorn: Some of your accomplishments are etched in stone, while others are deleted by a cosmic cat running across the keyboard of the universe. Keep working at it; your best efforts will gather attention on Wednesday. The rest of them will puzzle archeologists for centuries to come.
Sagittarius: Quit searching for enlightenment outdoors; what you want is deep inside. That’s where the aliens buried your implant. Explains a lot, especially your love of Honey Boo Boo and deep-fried bananas.
Aquarius: Something burns deep within you. Could be a new passion, or it could be last night’s Sriracha chili. Either way, it’s going to keep you up at night until you do something about it, so get going.
Pisces: You’ve always seen reality as a spice to be used lightly instead of a daily staple. That view serves you well this week when others are binging on their crapola stew.