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Life is a reality show for the preening Lion; a Leo’s only other wish is to have a crowd following the cameras so he can reap the immediate benefits of adoring applause and a Leo cranked up to full energy makes Snooki look like a shy Oompa-Loompa. This sign wants all eyes on him, even if he has to staple those peepers to his skin one set at a time. While a Leo will happily spend several hours in front of a mirror, there’s little time for self-reflection. Quiet, meditative moments are rare, so if you spot one, post it in your scrapbook next to that text message from Bigfoot.
A Leo loves a good argument, especially if he wins. And he always wins, even if it means some mystifying steps through the Glenn Beck school of logic. If you’ve ever lost a match with a Leo over an overdrawn bank account and his final quip involved the Titanic, an old banjo and the ending of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ you’re in good company. Generous and passionate, he will give you the shirt off his back and post the clip to YouTube later. He won’t just bring you a dozen roses, he’ll have a garden planted in your honor and when the blooms pop up, they’ll spell out your name. Life with a Leo may be frustrating, dazzling and confusing, but it is never dull.
Aries: Think you’re ready for the big event? Think again; you’re a few pretzels short of a party mix, not to mention the condition of your nuts. Pull yourself together or you’ll end up the untouched platter at the potluck.
Taurus: Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. Teach him to surf the Net, and he’s out of your hair for days. Just occasionally hose him off and throw cheese puffs at him, and you’re set.
Gemini: If the universe is a circus, then your week is like a clown car: it’s packed with weird people with no sense of style. Don’t let the Bozos get you down, or you’ll never get all the cotton candy out of your hair.
Cancer: When you come to a fork in the road, choose a direction instead of just waiting and hoping that karma will toss the rest of the good silver at your feet. Even if you do catch a few spoons, they all have hot dates with the Blue Willow boys.
Leo: Just when you think you’ve been battered enough, life turns up the heat and makes you rise to the occasion. Don’t worry, sometimes you have to break a few eggs to bake up an awesome stud muffin.
Virgo: The world is your oyster: wet and slimy with a noticeable lack of pearls. If that opportunity has been waiting out in the sun for a while, pass it over or you’ll be regretting it all night long.
Libra: There’s a fine line between love and hate, but your indifference has been laid out by a steamroller. Muster up some emotion for a project before your ambition is paved over.
Scorpio: You’ve found the love of your life, but do they feel the same way? Watch closely for clues, and all will become clear when the restraining order arrives.
Sagittarius: You may be the the big dog in the yard, but a Chihuahua just peed on your foot and stole your kibble. Sniff out the problems now before you end up on the short chain of command.
Capricorn: Feeling like an open book, but no one wants to lick their fingers and turn your pages? Write some hot action into your story and they’ll keep you up all night until the end.
Aquarius: Finding crayons in the dryer is fine; finding them after you’ve run three loads is not. Don’t worry, there are four words to make your outlook as bright as your new blouse this week: Back-to-school sales.
Pisces: Looking for inner calm? Go out to the garden, gather some veggies, and meditate while making a healthy green smoothie. After all, everything’s better when you can visualize whirled peas.
Aries: You’re so used to herding your own luck, you almost miss out on a stray day of good fortune. Rope in that wild mojo and enjoy it for a while, but resist branding it as your own; days that sweet should run unfettered and free.
Taurus: Hearing the call of the wild? Better take it, even if you have to reverse the charges; sending Mother Nature to voicemail just pisses her off, and she’s a vicious drunk dialer.
Gemini: The third person you meet on Tuesday brings big news to your little world, so pay attention. Feel free to ignore the first two people, though, because they’re just not that interesting.
Cancer: Look sharp, because you’ll either land a new love or a new boss, so you’ll be kissing some cheeks. Whether those are up top or down below depends on your smooth-talking ability.
Leo: You’re caught in a project so convoluted, it makes the TV show ‘Lost’ look like an E! Channel reality show. Forget logic, just keep searching for a trail of bread crumbs that leads out of the jungle and back to sanity.
Virgo: A Magic 8-Ball proves to be a valuable resource on Thursday when someone comes up with a lame idea that jeopardizes your cash and your health. When that happens, pick up the ball, shake it, then conk the idiot on the head with it.
Libra: You find new solutions for old problems when a truck accident scatters rolls of duct tape and cases of chocolate across the highway. By Tuesday, your worries will either be in a sugar coma or taped to the wall.
Scorpio: The direct approach is fine when playing ‘Battleship,’ but not so good when you want to score at ‘Mystery Date.’ Keep your crazy contained so you don’t scare your new sweetie, but let enough out so your head doesn’t explode.
Sagittarius: Ready for vacation? Turn off the cellphone, ignore Facebook and go off the grid for some true downtime. If you do it right, you’ll be harder to find than a music video on MTV.
Capricorn: You’ve made some worthy goals, so start saving up to make it all happen. The best things in life may be free, but all the preparation leading up to those winning moments will cost you an arm and a leg.
Aquarius: One slip during a cappuccino run gets you caught in a compromising position with a hedgehog, a Shake Weight, and two NFL players. Only the hedgehog has the grace to apologize.
Pisces: Reality is like Play-Doh; the best way to create what you want is to get your hands dirty and pound it into shape. Choose some bright colors and make your world shine in silly, squishy glory.
In this corner…..Taurus! In the other corner….Gemini! Let’s have a good, clean relationship, with no blocking, no eye-gouging, and no hitting below the belt.
While most horoscope-watchers think Bulls and Twins should only be mixed on sports teams, Taurus and Gemini have a lot to offer each other. A Gemini mate can change faster than Mr. Potato Head, while Taurus is the perfect couch potato. These spuds complement each other well, especially when there’s cheese or oil involved. While a Bull Spud may be hard to dig out of the ground, the spinning personality traits of Gemini can have a garden-weasel effect, tilling—and titillating—a Taurus until he or she responds. In return, a Taurus mate can root out the Twins’ need for affection, and provide a slow bake on some hot coals, maybe wrapped in tinfoil if it’s Kink Night.
If opposites attract, then Cancer is the matter while Scorpio is anti-matter; once they collide, it’s sexy chaos when the universe starts tickling that black hole. While Cancer is the traditional homebody, Scorpio is the body that follows you home after a night of tequila and shots. One smoky, intense look from Scorpio, and Cancer is a-quiver with those anticipated bad boy/girl sparks. But be warned, little crab, because nothing seems as kinky as your life to the scorpion; having a home-cooked dinner at home and wild nookie on a real-life bed seems exotic to the chandelier-swinging Scorpio. Both can give as good as they get, though, and this hook-up could last beyond the hangover.
Aries: Wanna be top dog? Fine, but even Lassie had to learn some new tricks. Quit sniffing tails and bone up on your hoop-jumping skills if you want to keep that pimped-out doghouse.
Taurus: When life gives you lemons, don’t worry about lemonade; those little pucker-makers will be all in a row in karma’s slot machine, and the taste of a little good fortune is oh-so-sweet.
Gemini: Every journey begins with a single step, but you’re skipping, hopping and crab-walking your way through adventure. You’ve got style, but taking a shortcut to success through the Ministry of Silly Walks may require a knee brace.
Cancer: On Thursday, you’ll finally find the remote control under the cat bed. It doesn’t work on the TV, no matter how hard you push the buttons, although the neighbor’s garage door keeps going up and down for apparently no reason at all.
Leo: Letting it all hang out on Friday means you’ll receive some compliments, a few job offers and one physically improbable proposition. Ratchet those suspenders up to Urkel-level before someone’s sweet words get you into trouble.
Virgo: You’ll wake up Friday looking like a Project Runway reject. Next time, don’t nap during summer vacation when the kids have access to glue guns, Fruit Roll-ups and a camera.
Libra: On Saturday, it’s the little things that matter, like your bank account or your patience, both of which are shrinking faster than a sheet cake at a weight loss seminar. Keep sweating the small stuff, and you’ll build those fiscal muscles in no time.
Scorpio: You’re definitely swinging some wood in the game of love, but you’re not making it to home plate. Back off the fastballs for a while, and find someone who just enjoys a good seventh inning stretch.
Sagittarius: If you’re going in circles, just remember: not all who wander are lost. Some, like you, are just trying to remember where they parked the car. Situations like this are when a ‘General Lee’ paint job really pays off.
Capricorn: Running nonstop? If you don’t slow down, you’ll be used up faster than a can of tuna at the crazy cat lady’s house. Enjoy some downtime and don’t ask for whom the canopener growls; it growls for you.
Aquarius: You like to stay trendy, but at your age, a Dora the Explorer t-shirt isn’t ironic; it’s evidence that will land you on ‘To Catch A Predator.’ Stay hip by starting a band that everyone will ignore.
Pisces: Don’t treat your goals like snooty princesses by placing them on impossible pedestals; envision them as evil lackeys who work best if you slap ‘em around a little bit. If you don’t test those dreams, the universe will definitely give them the Dr. Evil treatment.
Put down those sparklers and blow up your future with Wisecrack Zodiac! Read the rest of this entry »
Wisecrack Zodiac: Your Snarky Guide to the Stars! 