01
Sep
08

more than you wanted to know: cancer

When it comes to bellybuttons of the universe, Cancer is definitely an ‘innie.’ You’ve raised self-contemplation to an art form, but you need to install a lint trap over that navel before you’re snowed under. Mood swings? You can go from Dalai Lama to Amy Winehouse in five seconds flat, with a little pre-medicated Britney thrown in just for kicks.  With patience, perserverence and a healthy dose of neurotic self-indulgence on the side, a spurned Cancer makes an awesome Bond villain, and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near vacant volcanoes; they also should never own sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, either.

Otherwise, the Cancer heart is quite a catch; in the cable box of life, you are 50 percent HGTV, 30 percent Food Network, 10 percent Lifetime Channel, and 10 percent late-night Cinemax. With such a strong nesting instinct, it’s a wonder the Crab doesn’t have some feathers to go with those claws. This makes you a compatible love match with nearly any sign, but the fireworks really fly with Leo, who loves your support and hint of drama; Gemini, who feels safe in your embrace and teaches you a few new tricks; and Aquarius, who loves getting creative with that naughty 10 percent.


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All original material copyright 2008 by Beth Bartlett

The name 'Wisecrack Zodiac,' all original author posts, horoscopes and info is copyrighted by freelance writer Beth Bartlett. I have a cranky lawyer on speed dial, and an inside track on the karma train. Violators will be forced to watch Japanese game shows narrated by Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried.